The Nanosolutions


ID#: 334
From: James
Nanoproblem: Most of my tupperware lids have dissapeared. I got all these tupperware containers, but not enough tops. Where in the hell could they have possibly gone to? This makes no sense.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Tupperware lids can be used as plates, frisbees, shields, windows, and hats. It is possible your tupperware lids were co-opted for any or all of these purposes by a roommate, friend, or intruder.
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ID#: 333
From: boneless?
Nanoproblem: dating a skater--don't know the lingo (homie)?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Please refer to our affiliate, Avril Lavigne.
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ID#: 332
From: FcUynhSvajO
Nanoproblem: NEbYssCYhszMwIpjqq
Nanosolutions:
  1. NanoSpam, courtesy of Kuala Lumpur. Deal with it.
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ID#: 331
From: Honky
Nanoproblem: I like to cook, but my ingredients always go stale when I don't cook for a few days.
Nanosolutions:
  1. ...then cook.
  2. Use your freezer to make the ingredients last longer.
  3. Plan your grocery store trips around stretches of days where you know you will be able to cook.
  4. Buy nano-quantities of ingredients so that you have no excess.
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ID#: 330
From: widget
Nanoproblem: I normally don't eat much lunch, but when I do, I get so fucking tired
Nanosolutions:
  1. The only solution is the 2:30 or 3 pm coffee.
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ID#: 329
From: Adam D.
Nanoproblem: Acne is not good-looking, but it also makes me feel young. I can't live... with or without it.
Nanosolutions:
  1. We recommend light-to-moderate acne for the optimal balance of youth and attractiveness.
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ID#: 328
From: Todd
Nanoproblem: whenever I cook with garlic, my fingers smell like garlic for 3 days
Nanosolutions:
  1. Lava, the "the heavy-duty hand cleaner of choice for do-it-yourselfers, coal miners, oil rig workers, and others."
  2. You may also notice that you are not attacked by vampires over those 3 days. Working as intended.
  3. Consider the Slap Chop (cause you know we can't do this all day folks) to minimize the time you spend holding the garlic during the dicing stage.
  4. Switch to less garlic-heavy cuisines.
  5. Wear gloves while cooking.
  6. Take-out.
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ID#: 327
From: You know who
Nanoproblem: For the last 6 months or so, my farts have smelled absolutely terrible. What should I do?
Nanosolutions:
  1. We wish we didn't know who.
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ID#: 326
From: JY
Nanoproblem: Spring allergies make my eyes so effing itchy all I want to do is scratch them. But if I do, I'll end up with conjunctivitis, which happens every spring. And the meds do nothing. All I want to do is scratch scratch scratch. Ahhh! It's driving me nuts. What do I do?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Hibernation.
  2. Deal with it.
  3. Goggles.
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ID#: 325
From: michelle o.
Nanoproblem: I'm leaving my job in july to go to grad school, but I don't know whether or not I should take the Elvis snowglobe on my desk. I actually contacted you earlier about the same snowglobe, which I did indeed refill. The thing is, I found it when we moved offices and no one claimed it. So, I don't know if it's mine or not.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Take it. It's yours. We promise.
  2. It's an Elvis snowglobe. Nobody is going to care. It was probably purchased/acquired by accident.
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ID#: 324
From: O
Nanoproblem: My office doesn't have a door. Every day, this lady at work walks around in the same clacking loud-ass shoes and I can hear her throughout the hallway. Why can't she just wear sneakers!?!
Nanosolutions:
  1. Wear louder, clackier ass-shoes and stomp around her space for literally the entire day.
  2. Install carpet in the office.
  3. Install a door.
  4. Install a sound-activated laser.
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ID#: 323
From: changston
Nanoproblem: My dad rambles on and on about really basic car problems and functions (make sure you don't drive with a flat tire, how and when to turn on windshield wipers, etc). Looking for a way to tell him to stop it without hurting his feeling of being helpful.
Nanosolutions:
  1. It's the most natural thing in the world.
  2. Ramble on and on about really basic things in another field that he doesn't know much about and hope he makes the connection.
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ID#: 322
From: panda123
Nanoproblem: What to write for wedding toast for family member I have problems with?
Nanosolutions:
  1. That they have a good personality.
  2. That they're nice.
  3. Lots of jokes at that person's expense, to the point where it's unclear if they're jokes, and everyone becomes uncomfortable.
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ID#: 321
From: too much time on the internet
Nanoproblem: where are the nanosolutions? are you guys on holiday or something?
Nanosolutions:
  1. We had some nanoproblems. Deal with it.
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ID#: 320
From: sweet deezil
Nanoproblem: how do you get the last drop of ketchup out of the bottle?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Store ketchup bottle upside-down and let gravity perform its magic.
  2. Use some sort of really long dropper.
  3. Stop being so cheap and just buy a new bottle.
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ID#: 319
From: audrey
Nanoproblem: television program is taking over my life and thoughts. productivity has suffered, as have social relations.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Throw your television out the window.
  2. Start watching more educational television programming.
  3. Do what you have to do to finish the series and move on with your life.
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ID#: 318
From: Brian the Lion de la hoya of la mancha del cuarto de su gato
Nanoproblem: When I say "your mom," to Josh, he responds with "your mom."
Nanosolutions:
  1. Respond to that with "no, your mom."
  2. Respond with "your mom's mom."
  3. Respond with "your dad."
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ID#: 317
From: a dick
Nanoproblem: I forgot how to axiomatize the Church-Turing thesis so it can be proved or disproved
Nanosolutions:
  1. The real nanoproblem here is identity theft.
  2. The real macroproblem here is that you don't know what you're talking about.
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ID#: 316
From: anonymous
Nanoproblem: I am unable to decide whether or not to partake in a rousing session of biscuit time.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Is this even a question? Of course you should partake in a rousing session of biscuit time. Ask for honey.
  2. Only one of us knows what biscuit time is, and he is not one of the primary content providers on this site. So,
  3. Deal with it.
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ID#: 315
From: kathryn
Nanoproblem: this site has become more about being clever, and less about providing nanosolutions!
Nanosolutions:
  1. That is a false dichotomy. Providing nanosolutions requires cleverness.
  2. We stand by the quality of our nanosolutions.
  3. We are constantly improving our nanosolutions.
  4. We would take a bullet for our nanosolutions.
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ID#: 314
From: The Polish King
Nanoproblem: Sometimes when I order a breakfast sandwich, the bacon is too crispy and on the first bite, all the bacon crumbles and falls out of the sandwich.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Treat the crumbled bacon as sauce and dip each bite into the bacon pile.
  2. Keep a runcible spoon on hand at all times in order to finish strong with an epic mouthful of bacon.
  3. Add maple syrup to your breakfast sandwich before biting to act as an adhesive if any bacon crumbles.
  4. Request that the bacon be cooked in flavored glue.
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ID#: 313
From: James
Nanoproblem: Working late every effing day this week.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Why don't you complain to Adlai.
  2. Delegate.
  3. Arrive later to even out your hours.
  4. Implement an elaborate re-setting of the clocks scheme in the office to convince everyone that it's several hours later than it is. This may also involve setting up some contraption to simulate a sunset, depending on how many windows are in the office. It may also involve re-setting biological clocks.
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ID#: 312
From: Kim
Nanoproblem: A month after I moved into my apartment construction began next door and has not stopped. Its been six months. How can I tell if I am developing an anxiety disorder?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Please refer to our affiliate MMB NanoPsychiatry for a very brief evaluation.
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ID#: 311
From: possiblyhomicidal
Nanoproblem: want to kill officemate. can't quit job or change workstations.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Encourage officemate to quit job.
  2. If that fails, seed a character attack and frame her for embezzlement.
  3. If that fails, purchase items to enclose your workstation until you are completely insulated from officemate. For example, you could buy 20 monitors and set up a sweet 360 degree monitor sphere which would prevent your officemate from interacting with you (and allow you to have like a million application windows open at the same time (but prevent you from getting to and from your workstation)).
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ID#: 310
From: Mr F
Nanoproblem: When is the right time to give up a persona? Are there warning signs for when they are becoming old?
Nanosolutions:
  1. You should give up a persona when you feel comfortable revealing your true self to the public sphere.
  2. You should give up a persona when it comes in conflict with other personas.
  3. In this particular situation, your ability to pose this question shows that you have already abandoned this persona.
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ID#: 309
From: Alex
Nanoproblem: How does one shower at work when work doesn't have a shower?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Creatively
  2. Dry-ly
  3. Ineffectively
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ID#: 308
From: Ajax
Nanoproblem: I want to be 300
Nanosolutions:
  1. You are more epic. Though your portrayal in Troy was disappointing. As was everything else about that movie. Except Brad Pitt's body.
  2. Perhaps this movie review of 300 will change your mind.
  3. 300 is a very old age in the common era - not sure about the mythic era.
  4. Eat lots of protein and fat and carbs to balloon up to 300 pounds.
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ID#: 307
From: Ken
Nanoproblem: When I eat a burrito one side has sauce and is delicious, but the other side has rice, beans, and chicken, and is kind of dry.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Rotate the burrito 90 degrees so that single bites will now contain all components of the burrito.
  2. Eat smaller burritos so you can consume the entire area in one bite.
  3. BYOBS (Bring Your Own Burrito Sauce)
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ID#: 306
From: Josh
Nanoproblem: At work we have an acronym "QRA" for this technical concept I need not explain here. My spell checker changed it to "Quran"--the Islamic book of divine guidance and direction for mankind--before I sent it. Now everyone is confused.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Write a paper outlining how the Quran can be used to explain QRA. Circulate this in the office, and then "Quran" will be an acceptable substitute for "QRA."
  2. Introduce new technical concepts "BBL," "TLMD," and "VDS," and make similar holy book mis-corrections until it becomes an internet meme.
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ID#: 305
From: Eff Steve Jobs
Nanoproblem: Apple care is an insurance contract wherein the two parties have asymmetrical information. (Apple has a much better idea of when their product will break than I do.) And I have no doubt that it is extraordinarily overpriced; while the chance of it paying out is undoubtedly high, it the ratio of the premium to the payout is extraordinarily low (a $50 dollar contract saves you from having to buy a $200 replacement, which--crucially--you could reasonably elect not to buy anyway, unlike, for example, emergency medical care.) So Apple care pisses me off. And here is what really pisses me off: when your product malfunctions, shortly after your stingy warranty has expired, they make you feel like the whole situation is your fault, and could have been prevented if you had done the prudent thing and bought their unethical, asymmetrical information, rip-off insurance contract. Apple is an extraordinarily unethical company but its unethical practices are too subtle and theoretically complex for most of its consumers to identify as such. This is my nanoproblem.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Deal with it
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ID#: 304
From: baconberg
Nanoproblem: "If God didn't want us to eat bacon, why did he make it out of bacon?"
Nanosolutions:
  1. The bacon craze is over.
  2. Bacon is best enjoyed in moderation.
  3. Just kidding - God is clearly tempting us and testing our restraint as the aroma and flavor of bacon is the modern day siren song.
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ID#: 303
From: Sam Cohen
Nanoproblem: Afraid of cats
Nanosolutions:
  1. Deal with it.
  2. Get a dog.
  3. Get a goldfish. As they say, you only need to be faster than the slowest goldfish to get away from the cat.
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ID#: 302
From: james
Nanoproblem: so i thought i could solve all problem by myself
Nanosolutions:
  1. We are glad you've come back to this site. You should focus your problem-solving energy on big problems.
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ID#: 301
From: Jane Shubert
Nanoproblem: One of my sons (let's call him Achzay) recently told me that he is infected with several STIs. I've been meaning to speak to him for some time about his womanizing and generally unsafe sexual activity, but I never got around to it. Now I feel guilty that I didn't do enough to save him from the STI prison he is now confined to for life.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Just to clarify #3 on the NanoFAQ, a third party report of an STI is not a nanoproblem.
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ID#: 300
From: Andytobo
Nanoproblem: It doesn't burn when I pee, but it burns when other people pee. I resent both the agony and being subject to the bladderial whimsy of my coworkers.
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is our 300th nanoproblem!
  2. And of course it's from you. About burning pee. FOL.
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ID#: 299
From: Hermes
Nanoproblem: My friend Jessie does not yet live in San Francisco. How can I convince her to move here?
Nanosolutions:
  1. The weather is a strong selling point for San Francisco.
  2. Rent is coming down in San Francisco.
  3. It is one of the top 3 cities in North America for food.
  4. It is the home city of one of the MMB staff members.
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ID#: 298
From: a girl
Nanoproblem: mystery bruises
Nanosolutions:
  1. Hire a P.I.
  2. Mystery Von Willebrand disease.
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ID#: 297
From: James
Nanoproblem: I cannot decide whether or not to purchase AppleCare
Nanosolutions:
  1. AppleCare generally makes sense if 1) you believe your product will break down between one and three years from the purchase date; and 2) you would rather repair it than purchase a new one. If you do not maintain your Apple products with care, and meet the aforementioned criteria, it may be a good option. If you do, your own care should be sufficient.
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ID#: 296
From: cg
Nanoproblem: I really don't think "I'm on a boat" is funny. At all.
Nanosolutions:
  1. We never thought you would think "I'm on a boat" is funny.
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ID#: 295
From: Dberg
Nanoproblem: I've become increasingly turned off by baseball and MLB players. I hate Baseball Tonight with Peter Gammons. But there are no other sports in the summer. What should I do?
Nanosolutions:
  1. There are other sports in the summer, such as Tennis, Cycling and Golf.
  2. Follow the NFL rumor mill very closely so that you are prepared to excel at fantasy football in the fall.
  3. Go to baseball games for the hot dogs, beer, and heckling.
  4. Read a book.
  5. Go outdoors.
  6. Learn a musical instrument.
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ID#: 294
From: James
Nanoproblem: I enjoy the hot peppers on my hot dog, but biting into one occasionally releases a burst of pepper juice that lights my throat on fire.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Drain the pepper juice from the peppers before placing them on your hot dog.
  2. Don't bite into one.
  3. Employ someone to punch you in the face whenever you bite into a hot pepper. The pain in your face will distract you from the pain in your throat.
  4. Perhaps the risk of this pain makes it more pleasurable every time you don't bite into a juicy pepper.
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ID#: 293
From: Ajax
Nanoproblem: I "occasionally" enjoy watching internet pornography, but I am scared that I will forget to X out the window one day and then open my laptop up at work or in a coffee shop unintentionally revealing one of my sick fetishes to the world.
Nanosolutions:
  1. The "incognito" mode of Google Chrome is useful for internet pornography, apparently.
  2. Sick fetishes were more accepted in your time, Ajax.
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ID#: 292
From: Victor and Owen
Nanoproblem: Our band is okay, and we're going on tour with a band that sucks. How are we to socialize with these people?
Nanosolutions:
  1. The contrast will always work in your favor.
  2. Avoid discussion topics such as 'being in an okay band,' since they will not have a solid background in such topics.
  3. Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'N Roll.
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ID#: 291
From: OWEN
Nanoproblem: A little while ago, Victor and I submitted a nanoproblem about going on the road with a band that we're not into, but that nanoproblem was not addressed, and has since become a problem, or possibly macroproblem.
Nanosolutions:
  1. See #8 in our NanoFAQ.
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ID#: 290
From: stair car driver
Nanoproblem: i'm getting hop-ons.
Nanosolutions:
  1. You were adequately warned this would happen.
  2. Install spikes on the steps such that potential hop-ons would be amply punished for hopping on.
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ID#: 289
From: James
Nanoproblem: Warm one day, freezing the next. Goddamn weather won't make up its goddamn mind.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Stop anthropomorphizing the weather - it has absolutely no agency.
  2. Check the weather report to make sure you are dressed appropriately. And don't put away your winter clothes until June.
  3. Employ Storm to keep the weather around you consistent.
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ID#: 288
From: You know who
Nanoproblem: Exhibit A: I love passing gas. Exhibit B: Passing gas is frowned upon at the office. What is exhibit C?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Exhibit C: Creative Brita Filtering.
  2. Exhibit C: Discretion.
  3. Exhibit C: Blame it on another employee.
  4. Exhibit C: Quit job. Happily pass gas at home.
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ID#: 287
From: EMM
Nanoproblem: I can't deal with it.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Take heart in the fact that you are not alone.
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ID#: 286
From: big poppa
Nanoproblem: I find that by the end of every day I can barely see through my glasses
Nanosolutions:
  1. Carry microfiber cloth everywhere you go and clean your glasses every 20 minutes.
  2. Better yet, engineer a nanofiber cloth, which will be even more effective as a cleaning medium.
  3. Are you wearing sunglasses? At the end of the day, as natural light decreases, you should switch to normal glasses.
  4. Visor (made popular by Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge).
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ID#: 285
From: andytobo
Nanoproblem: How does MMB Nanoproblems feel about being in direct competition with Vanilla Ice, who will solve my problems and in the mean time I will check out the hook while the DJ revolves it. Compared to your dinner date, this is dinner and a movie.
Nanosolutions:
  1. As we've previously outlined, MMB is confident of the value it brings to its users in a highly competitive marketplace.
  2. Vanilla Ice will kill your brain like a poisonous mushroom. MMB does not have that side effect.
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ID#: 284
From: kathryn
Nanoproblem: i've been having trouble finishing books i'm reading lately; i just start new ones and never finish any of them!
Nanosolutions:
  1. Try to stop buying/borrowing new books if you have not finished the one you're currently working on. If there are no new books lying around, there will be less temptation to switch.
  2. Read short stories, they're easier to finish.
  3. Read nanosolutions, they're even easier to finish.
  4. MMB believes in natural selection. If you don't finish books, it means they weren't good enough. Move on.
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ID#: 283
From: Adlai
Nanoproblem: What with todays troubled economy (I know, TELL me about it), I'm having a hard time finding a new job. I was laid off from a high-powered job at a consulting firm fifteeen years ago. Now, my kids are making fun of me for going to hipster cafes and perusing nanosolutions 24/7 (love the site guys!). Any tips? This problem would be mega were it not for my wife's steady paychecks, but at this point I'm ready to get out there. Thanks for any tips
Nanosolutions:
  1. As another "Adlai" writes, charity work can be rewarding for unemployed but skilled workers, apparently.
  2. If you were laid off fifteen years ago and still haven't managed to find a job, maybe it's time to embrace retirement.
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ID#: 282
From: Adlai
Nanoproblem: unemployed
Nanosolutions:
  1. See solutions for more elaborate submission above.
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ID#: 281
From: bob
Nanoproblem: twin peaks night is going to make me fat, but i feel i can't ask people not to bring donuts and pie. also, i am unable to not eat them if they are there.
Nanosolutions:
  1. As Special Agent Dale Cooper says, "Harry, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it. Don't wait for it. Just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at the men's store, a catnap in your office chair, or two cups of good, hot black coffee." i.e. It could be a donut and/or a slice of pie at Twin Peaks night once a week.
  2. Run a mile for every donut or slice of pie you eat at Twin Peaks night.
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ID#: 280
From: cg
Nanoproblem: My prof insists "illiberalness" is not a word, yet it is vital to my paper--like--it's in the title. How do I convince her I'm right? Or how do I solve this problem?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Whether "illiberalness" is a Word is irrelevant - academics frequently use neologisms as conceptual vessels. The more you depend upon it, the more legitimacy it accumulates.
  2. Tell your prof to deal with it.
  3. Only an illiterate, illegitimate, ill-equipped professor would take issue with using the illustrious, illmatic, Iliad-caliber word, "illiberalness."
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ID#: 279
From: Roland
Nanoproblem: Mr F is so stupid, annoying, pathetic, lonely, and oblivious that I am not sure whether to pity or pick a nanofight with her. Yeah, that's right princess F, you got called out, deal with it.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Be careful Roland, you're on thin ice.
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ID#: 278
From: crimsoncash
Nanoproblem: You guys don't have a revenue stream.
Nanosolutions:
  1. We've actually sold every pixel of our background as advertising space. Unfortunately, one advertiser bought our entire inventory. And that advertiser was A BLACK HOLE, i.e. bad credit.
  2. We are in our first phase of venture capital funding: Wishing we had it.
  3. We have many other streams to make up for it.
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ID#: 277
From: Jake
Nanoproblem: At a birthday party at my office, my boss slighted me by giving me a smaller piece of cake than my coworkers
Nanosolutions:
  1. You may have deserved it.
  2. Quit your job. At interviews for new jobs, make sure to ask "Would I get my share of the cake?" during the part where you get to ask questions.
  3. Go in early one morning and set the building on fire. Before you do, look around for envelopes which might contain large sums of money which you could deposit in your own bank account and then use to flee the country. The fire should destroy all the evidence which could trace the theft back to you. [Disclaimer: MMB not responsible for all sorts of crimes and morally questionable actions resulting from its solutions.]
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ID#: 276
From: James
Nanoproblem: How much is a proper tip for a solo cab ride of 10 minutes?
Nanosolutions:
  1. First born children make good tips.
  2. Interns make really good tips.
  3. 15% in cash might be the best tip.
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ID#: 275
From: Ashley
Nanoproblem: When I click on a supplemental link on the nano problem archive page, a new window doesn't open. This probably creates a higher bounce rate from the site than necessary. Check your Analytics and tell me I'm wrong.
Nanosolutions:
  1. MMB prides itself on having a standards-compliant web presence. To this end, all the pages on our multitude of sites use the XHTML 1.0 Strict DOCTYPE. This DOCTYPE forbids, among other things, use of the "target" attribute on anchor tags, which is what is commonly used to cause the linked-to page to open in a new window.
  2. MMB is very much pro-choice. We believe that all users should have complete control over the fertility of their web browser, and should have the right to choose where and when to bring a new page into the world.
  3. Our analytics remain strong and irrelevant.
  4. If you use Firefox or Google Chrome, middle-clicking or control-clicking on any link causes it to open in a new tab.
  5. If you use IE, please leave.
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ID#: 274
From: Joe
Nanoproblem: I'm a second born child and sometimes, when my waitress is especially attractive, I want to give myself as a tip but as you correctly identified in ID# 258, second born children do not make good tips. I want to give the attractive waitress a good tip so she'll want to smooch but I can only afford myself because I'm just an intern. (That's chief intern to you.)
Nanosolutions:
  1. Dollar bills make good tips.
  2. Your first born sibling would make a good tip.
  3. Interns are the best tips. This overrides the second born child rule.
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ID#: 273
From: grammar jerk
Nanoproblem: while i understand that you're trying to expand your focus away from grammatical/spelling errors, i'm surprised that you did not correct mr f's spelling of BRIE. is this a new policy? or are you bad spellers too?
Nanosolutions:
  1. We were trying to incorporate feedback from previous users and be less critical of others' misspellings. We will not make the mistake of listening to our users again.
  2. Deal with it.
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ID#: 272
From: Mark
Nanoproblem: My coworkers drive me insane with their conversation, and I keep impulsively buying books on Amazon
Nanosolutions:
  1. Wearing headphones can help you ignore your co-workers.
  2. Unplugging your internet will address your impulse buying.
  3. If the two are related, perhaps impulsively buying books about annoying co-workers will send the necessary message and end the vicious cycle.
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ID#: 271
From: Slum Computer Wizard
Nanoproblem: I am going to crush B's fantasy baseball squad, but I don't know how to tell him without damaging his fragile ego. Do I drop little hints in the days running up to the draft? Or send him a hand-written letter stating my intentions?
Nanosolutions:
  1. MMB does not deal in wishful prognostication.
  2. A hand-written letter is always nice to receive.
  3. You could also send him a souvenir with the letter.
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ID#: 270
From: Nat Picker
Nanoproblem: The prefix 'nano-' seems, in most contexts, to describe something not just small in a banal way, but so small that it is far below the scope of human perception--perhaps even CONception. More precisely put, the kinds of things you accept as nanoproblems are, you must admit, considerably larger than a billionth of a standard 'problem', as the prefix would imply. they are more like...centi- or deciproblems, it seems to me. I know this is subjective, but...I feel I am right and...I am bothered. Please reassure me you are not just riding some hipness cache that may or may not be attached to the nano- prefix in these troubled times.
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is not a nanoproblem. It is a metananoproblem.
  2. Is Microsoft one millionth as soft as other companies? Is PETA 10^15 of anything?
  3. We believe our solutions scale down even beyond what would appropriately be called "nano".
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ID#: 269
From: Mr F
Nanoproblem: I find this Roland person very negative. Negitivity bothers me.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Roland is just concerned for the continued success of MMB NanoSolutions. We appreciate his/her efforts to improve the site.
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ID#: 268
From: cg
Nanoproblem: Mr. F spelled "bree" wrong, making me think he doesn't actually "really like" it at all. Also, I have macbook neck.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Apparently if we don't correct spelling mistakes ourselves, our users will. This could be a nascent form of "nano-crowdsourcing."
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ID#: 267
From: cg
Nanoproblem: that red velvet cupcake I ate was WAY to sweet. This beer is also sweet! What do I do??
Nanosolutions:
  1. Puke and Rally. [Disclaimer: MMB in no way endorses forced vomiting, except in the name of slapstick comedy]
  2. Add salt to your beer.
  3. Deal with it.
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ID#: 266
From: Andytobo
Nanoproblem: I paint houses so fucking slow...
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is a sign that you are a detail-oriented painter. Your boss should assign you to paint high-impact areas, like the front door.
  2. Consider a career change.
  3. Home Improvement Tip #1 (Courtesy of Al Borland ): Paint faster.
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ID#: 265
From: Matt
Nanoproblem: I want more money. The solution is that you hire me at MMB Nanosolutions. I will craft pithy and wise solutions on your behalf for $10 per nanosolution. This arrangement will cause you to shoot through the roof because if I was getting $10 per nanosolution, I would probably just promote this shit full time.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Is this a nanoapplication? MMB's recruiting standards are bafflingly high. Be prepared for intense scrutiny and demoralizing interviews.
  2. We will pay you $10 per nanosolution if you can drive $50 per nanosolution of revenue.
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ID#: 264
From: Nate
Nanoproblem: I have a 2003 Gateway laptop with Centrino Technology. Sometimes I watch movies on this PC. I want to watch those movies on my larger LG tv instead of the computer. These movies can only be played from my PC. What should I buy so that when the movie plays on the PC, I am viewing it on my larger LG TV screen?
Nanosolutions:
  1. While we can't be sure of the exact nuances of your hardware configuration, you can usually purchase a VGA or HDMI cable to connect the video out of your laptop to your TV. You may need a PC-to-TV converter for certain video cards. Assuming you also want the sound of said movies to emanate from your TV, you may also need to purchase an 1/8th inch to RCA adapter to go from your laptop's headphone jack to your television's audio inputs. Here's a link to a pretty good little article covering most of the necessary bases: http://www.geekwithlaptop.com/how-to-connect-laptop-to-tv/
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ID#: 263
From: alex
Nanoproblem: When I have a drink, I drink it too fast. This applies to both alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks.
Nanosolutions:
  1. More ice, no straw, tight lips.
  2. Only drink during meals.
  3. Only drink highly viscous beverages.
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ID#: 262
From: James
Nanoproblem: I just started playing F.E.A.R. 2. I can't play it when I'm alone in my apartment, because it's too goddam scary. But I also scream like a little girl at regular intervals while playing, and I "f.e.a.r." (hehe, get it?) that my roommate while question my masculinity.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Scream like a macho man in order to scare your roommate, thereby transferring your fear to him/her.
  2. The pun in your submission is the real nanoproblem.
  3. When you get too scared playing F.E.A.R. 2, switch to more cuddly games, such as: Animal Crossing: City Folk, Cosmic Family, or Smarty Pants: Trivia for Everyone.
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ID#: 261
From: Greater Ajax
Nanoproblem: Nobody makes Greater Ajax references anymore.
Nanosolutions:
  1. You've been immortalized in one of the great literary creations of all time - we at MMB think you're doing pretty well for yourself, despite your unfortunate demise.
  2. Posting a nanoproblem is the best way to drive global reference count.
  3. If these do not provide consolation, imagine how sad Locrian Ajax is - no one EVER references him.
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ID#: 260
From: joey rizzle
Nanoproblem: i like your site but i have a problem with viewing webpages with black backgrounds and white text. it gives me a headache. can you chnage your design so that i may continue to enjoy your wonderful and inmormative website? thank you.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Use Ctl+Alt+Apple+8 on a Mac to invert the colors.
  2. We use a black background to hide stains better.
  3. Advil-Morphine Double Shots.
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ID#: 259
From: Daddy likey
Nanoproblem: no money, mo nanoproblems. what gives, quotha?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Similar to quantum mechanics, the "mo money, mo problems" certainty (and its inverse) becomes more of a probability at the nano-level.
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ID#: 258
From: Matt
Nanoproblem: Historically, when I get less than a dollar in change I put it in the tip jar. But recently I found this sweet Tetris machine at a coffee shop near me, and you can play it for a quarter so now whenever I get change for anything I have an alarming miserly urge to hoard the quarters so that later I can play that Tetris machine for as long as possible.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Many people save quarters, for a variety of reasons (most notably for laundry). You should not feel bad. Just return all the non-quarters as tip.
  2. Dollar bills make good tips.
  3. First born children make even better tips.
  4. Second born children do not make good tips.
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ID#: 257
From: a consumer
Nanoproblem: economic collapse- but i can't stop shopping!
Nanosolutions:
  1. You may be helping to solve your own problem. Unless you're shopping with credit that you do not intend to pay off.
  2. Practice nano-shopping: buying very small things for very small prices.
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ID#: 256
From: Lou
Nanoproblem: Mmbnanosolutions.com eats up all my time while I am supposed to be productive at work.
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is a glowing endorsement masquerading as a nanoproblem.
  2. Use MMB to do your work with our affiliate MMB EnterpriseSolutions.
  3. You can expense your time reading MMB as either "Market Research," "Customer Relationship Training," or "a Problem Solving Workshop."
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ID#: 255
From: alex
Nanoproblem: Sometimes on the bus to work, I'm not sure whether I should do work or take a nap. If I take a nap, I feel nice but groggy when I reach work. I also then have more things to do at work. But napping is also easier than working.
Nanosolutions:
  1. If you need to catch up on sleep, a quick nap can improve productivity later.
  2. Work from home.
  3. Delegate your work to the person sitting next to you while you sleep.
  4. Take public transportation to work so you can't sleep or work and don't have to make the tough decision.
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ID#: 254
From: roland
Nanoproblem: checking
Nanosolutions:
  1. Again, routine maintenance checks are unnecessary. The NanoProblem Submission System is one of the more reliable systems of its kind in the world.
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ID#: 253
From: Mr F
Nanoproblem: I really like bree cheese, but I don't like the crust, and it's hard to get all of the gooey, delicious, inside cheese while avoiding a small bite of the nasty, crusty, outside. What can I do?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Use a knife to cut away the crust with both precision and accuracy.
  2. Use a spoon to get right to the gooey, delicious, inside cheese.
  3. Challenge your palate with really bitter cheese - the crust won't taste so bad.
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ID#: 252
From: Roland
Nanoproblem: "Meantime" is one word. You can change that too without giving me credit for it.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Ok.
  2. Are you in jail now?
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ID#: 251
From: Roland
Nanoproblem: Just checking
Nanosolutions:
  1. Our system is 100% reliable. You don't need to perform routine maintenance checks. But we appreciate your enthusiasm as an MMB user!
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ID#: 250
From: mort
Nanoproblem: I don't know what's good on hulu
Nanosolutions:
  1. Hulu tells you what's good right on the homepage using the "Popular Clips", "Popular Episodes," and "Featured Videos" sections.
  2. When in doubt, watch MacGyver at www.cbs.com.
  3. When in serious doubt, watch Highlander
  4. If you find yourself dissatisfied with the previous nanosolutions, you might also consider going to http://whatsgoodonhulu.com.
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ID#: 249
From: Roland
Nanoproblem: Instead of calling out posters' spelling mistakes and grammatical inaccuracies you guys should "deal with it." I mean, come on, this is bullshit.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Instead of complaining about nanosolutions, you should go prepare yourself for your perjury investigation.
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ID#: 248
From: Andytobo
Nanoproblem: MMB Nanosolutions missed "One Tin Soldier" reference in both Nanoproblems 242 and 243. Either Nanosolutions doesn't have a background in much beloved folk songs, or it just doesn't care about my childhood
Nanosolutions:
  1. MMB "gets" references at times of its choosing. Deal with it.
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ID#: 247
From: Roland
Nanoproblem: The period for your interim nanosolution-- "deal with it".-- should be placed inside of the quotation mark.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Don't try to distract our readers from the fact that you perjured yourself.
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ID#: 246
From: Roland
Nanoproblem: I obviously perjured myself
Nanosolutions:
  1. We should add felonies to the list of things that are not nanoproblems.
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ID#: 245
From: Todd
Nanoproblem: shitty expensive studio apartment or nice reasonably priced apartment with possibly crazy roommate?
Nanosolutions:
  1. MMB Analysts have produced the following formula to evaluate the likelihood of a crazy roommate (x):

    x = (# of times the following words/phrases appear in the post:"laid back","easy going", "cat lover","not a neat freak","won't bring the party home","each do our own thing","enjoys a glass of wine", and "drama free") / (# of words in the post) + (# of apartments viewed/considered) * (percentage of personal ads that day involving the word "lizard").

    Use this formula to evaluate just how likely it is that your roommate will be crazy and act accordingly.
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ID#: 244
From: Bethany
Nanoproblem: I am unable to play Mario Kart properly. Every time I try to move forward, I end up going backward and I don't even know it. I starting to suspect my friends think I'm stupid.
Nanosolutions:
  1. There is a bonus circuit in Mario Kart where you play all the tracks in reverse. Maybe you will have more success there.
  2. Stick to battle mode. Your antics will amuse your friends as they pummel you with shells.
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ID#: 243
From: Assistant to the Mountain People Press Secetary
Nanoproblem: My boss decided to re-draft my letter to the Valley People and replaced my clear-cut explanation that we had no buried riches (and were in fact struggling to maintain our ambitious expansion to our wireless infrastructure) with her own cryptic message in which she conflated riches with peace and brotherhood.
Nanosolutions:
  1. As an administrative assistant, you should pick your battles with your boss. Also, there seems to be some confusion over who wrote what here.
  2. MMB always supports riches, but only sometimes supports ambitious expansion.
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ID#: 242
From: Assistant to the Mountain People Press Secetary
Nanoproblem: My administrative assistant decided to re-draft my message to Valley People and decided to replace my extremely clear explanation that we had no buried riches (and were in fact struggling to continue to expand our wireless infrastructure) with her own cryptic message in which she conflated riches with peace and brotherhood.
Nanosolutions:
  1. As a boss, you can override your admin's changes and replace the original message content.
  2. MMB always supports wireless infrastructure, but only sometimes supports brotherhood.
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ID#: 241
From: Todd
Nanoproblem: nanosolution throughput critically low with M in Cancun
Nanosolutions:
  1. B will have to step it up.
  2. MMB provides maximum benefit to all shareholders by not employing redundant labor. The flipside to our brutally streamlined labor force is an occasional (TEMPORARY) drop in throughput as a result.
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ID#: 240
From: Andytobo
Nanoproblem: I have finally created the pizza burger. It was everything I dreamed. My only regret is that I came up with it years ago and it wasn't exactly a hard thing to do. I just never did. Am I lazy? Am i going to hell? Will I meet Max Payne and/or Konstantine? Will we search for something the Devil Wants To Stay Hidden? A V P 2?
Nanosolutions:
  1. We imagine/hope you had more important things to attend to.
  2. Your next assignment: The Meat Lovers Pizza Burger.
  3. We'd like to remind you of our intellectual property policy. We now have the rights to the plot outlined here for the nascent screenplay, Alien Vs. Predator 3: Alien vs. Predator vs. Max Payne vs. Constantine vs. Donkey Kong.
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ID#: 239
From: a poet
Nanoproblem: i can't stop thinking. in haikus it consumes me. can't get no work done.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Start doing your work / in haikus or verse as well / will amuse your peers
  2. Try thinking in sonnet, ghazal, or free verse. See what happens.
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ID#: 238
From: James
Nanoproblem: My urine smells funny today. Theories?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Asparagus.
  2. See #3 in the NanoFAQ.
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ID#: 237
From: The Cardigan Makes the Man
Nanoproblem: I am a Ravens fan who is constantly disappointed with their performance against the Steelers.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Our allegiances are split so there is no official MMB nanosolution for this nanoproblem except "Deal with it." There are, however, a number of unofficial solutions:
  2. From "B": You should not be disappointed. The Steelers are better.
  3. From "Mx": You should blame the refs.
  4. From "My": I feel your pain. Just remember, friend, that the Ravens' time is coming. Also, think about how awful the city of Pittsburgh is in general, and Heinz Field in particular. Take solace in the fact that Ben Roethlisberger is a huge idiot. These simple exercises usually make me feel better.
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ID#: 236
From: levar burton
Nanoproblem: opportunity to eat 2 desserts presents itself, yet will result in feelin' sicky
Nanosolutions:
  1. Eat one dessert.
  2. Eat two desserts but work out later.
  3. Eat two desserts and drink a lot of shots.
  4. Think about how sicky you'd feel if you had three desserts, and then feel lucky that you only need to eat two.
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ID#: 235
From: "ralph"
Nanoproblem: AND NOW ITS BLEEDING EVERYWHERE
Nanosolutions:
  1. OH GOD NOT A NANOPROBLEM.
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ID#: 234
From: cg
Nanoproblem: I am in love with Eli Praiser, but he became board president before I had the chance to tell him.
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is a recurring theme in your love life. You need to work on your timing.
  2. At least he's not dead.
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ID#: 233
From: JMo
Nanoproblem: No one on the corner has swagger like us.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Swagga on a hundred thousand, trillion.
  2. It's never good to have the most swagger on the corner - consider moving to a more swaggerous corner.
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ID#: 232
From: AnTdEyXtobo
Nanoproblem: There's no tenderness, like before, in your fingertips
Nanosolutions:
  1. Because of your disturbing string of nanoproblems, we have lost that lovin' feeling.
  2. Advise the use of a hydrating moisturizer.
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ID#: 231
From: Lena
Nanoproblem: AUGH I embarrassingly mistyped "b-a-g" repeatedly in my last MMB submission. I am shamed.
Nanosolutions:
  1. The real nanoproblem is your inability to type the interjection "UGH."
  2. The mythical character Ajax (the Great) provides an example of a reasonable response to being shamed.
  3. See solutions for James below for further guidance on this nanoproblem.
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ID#: 230
From: Samantha
Nanoproblem: I hate my boss with the passion of the devil and she's making my work life miserable.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Try hating her with the Passion of the Christ.
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ID#: 229
From: joffrey wouldn't
Nanoproblem: i had a really intense dream full of idiosyncratic imagery (my dreams are usually full of imagery drawn however distortedly from my life) that basically was written by flannery o'connor, i.e. it pretty much cannot be read any other way than as a grotesquely vivid message from a divine force trying to convince me viscerally of the truth of christ's bloody sacrifice. don't get me wrong, it was a really cool dream, very moving and strange, but on reflection i still don't really feel any more like becoming a christian than i used to. it is right to ignore this admirable attempt, on someone's part it seems, at awakening me spiritually?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Chris Dane Owens.
  2. No, seriously this time. Chris Dane Owens.
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ID#: 228
From: Katie
Nanoproblem: also, my roommates will not unload the dishwasher--they will load it, and run it, but i'm the only person who unloads it. it's starting to bother me. help!
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is not a nanoproblem. Unloading the dishwasher is the most satisfying phase of the process.
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ID#: 227
From: LP
Nanoproblem: Generals have gathered en mass, similar in nature to witches, at their respective masses of the black variety.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Treat people like pawns in chess. [Disclaimer: MMB not responsible for judgment days resulting from its solutions. Yeah!]
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ID#: 226
From: James
Nanoproblem: The water cooler dispenses water at a few drips per second. The kitchen faucet only dispenses warm water. The icemaker has broken, preventing me from cooling down the warm faucet water. Whatever am I to do?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Use a brita filter and keep it in the fridge.
  2. Drink hot tea.
  3. Deal with it.
  4. Ask yourself, "What would Bear Grylls do?" The answer in this case will most likely involve drinking your own urine.
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ID#: 225
From: The Polish King
Nanoproblem: I love to cook and eat my delicious creations, but I hate to clean the disater that accompanies fine cuisine.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Find a roommate who loves to clean the disaster resulting from delicious creations, but hates to cook.
  2. Cook monstrous portions so that you will have plenty of leftovers, then mentally amortize the cost of cleaning up over the lifetime of your delicious creations.
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ID#: 224
From: Vanessa and Jenise
Nanoproblem: We don't believe in the wall, but others do.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Do not despair, the wall is not "real", but a representative construction of their desires to keep you in cages. But beware, you are surrounded by those who without a shred of skepticism accept the wall as real, and they will clearly not understand your metaphysical journey.
  2. Deal with it.
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ID#: 223
From: JMo
Nanoproblem: I'm just not that into you.
Nanosolutions:
  1. We do not believe you. You have told us on multiple occasions that you are, in fact, that into us.
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ID#: 222
From: sufferer
Nanoproblem: allergic to cat, but cat wants attention
Nanosolutions:
  1. Take some Benadryl and give cat that which it craves.
  2. Cat should deal with it.
  3. Employ someone to attend to cat.
  4. Wear a gas mask to attend to cat.
  5. Put cat on the grill.
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ID#: 221
From: geordi laforge
Nanoproblem: ip address
Nanosolutions:
  1. We believe your lack of real eyesight and your consistently hapless interactions with women are greater nanoproblems than your IP address revealing that you are posting as multiple fictional characters on this site.
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ID#: 220
From: bloody shards
Nanoproblem: lots of personal nanoproblems
Nanosolutions:
  1. We look forward to delivering lots of personal nanosolutions.
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ID#: 219
From: betty lards
Nanoproblem: guy fell asleep in my bed, i googled him and he has a kid
Nanosolutions:
  1. There are myriad ways in which this is not a nanoproblem.
  2. Find his kid. I'm sure s/he'd like to be in the bed too.
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ID#: 218
From: Mary Poppins
Nanoproblem: To appear witty and intelligent to my friends, I often create zany words of lengths never before seen in the English language. I have been doing this since 1910, however I've only been succesful in getting one of these words to catch on. I've made plenty of others that are just as practically perfect, but to no avail. How do I get these other words to be accepted?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Consider yourself supremely fortunate to have introduced even one ridiculous word into the English language.
  2. This site is a good vehicle for introducing things.
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ID#: 217
From: Mr F
Nanoproblem: Sometimes I really want to replace the ink in my pen, but I never do because I realize that the effort and money involved today is not worth it and I should really just get a new pen. I have the same issue with re-soling shoes.
Nanosolutions:
  1. This problem sounds too nuanced for Mr F. Who are you?
  2. In these tough economic times, you should re-use everything you can. Pens, shoes, stock nanosolutions, etc.
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ID#: 216
From: Lena
Nanoproblem: I told Bethany I was eating microwave popcorn, and she started talking about how much she loves it BUT THEN got all alarmist about some mysterious chemical in the bad that supposedly deforms your future children. Like in some way actually destroys your ability to pass on non-deformed genes. THEN she admitted she ate a bad last week! AND I'm still eating it! I also plan to eat the whole bag. This may or may not in fact be a series of nanoproblems. Deal with it.
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is our site and we are the ones who decide who should or should not just "deal with it." You're on thin ice.
  2. The real nanoproblem is your consistent inability to type the word "bag".
  3. You seem prejudiced against mutants. MMB supports equal rights for mutants, especially those resulting from microwave popcorn.
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ID#: 215
From: cg
Nanoproblem: My horoscope (www.astro.com) said I was going to meet the love of my life between now and May, but I don't know where to look!
Nanosolutions:
  1. You're looking in all the right places. baby.
  2. Look in the park.
  3. Look in your drawer.
  4. Try looking in the closet.
  5. Look in the museum.
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ID#: 214
From: Katie
Nanoproblem: i'm a law student, and i think it's making me uncool. i'm halfway through my second year so i think it's too late to drop out. what to do?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Finish law school and then hardly use your degree because you're "too cool".
  2. Hang out with undergraduates. You'll simultaneously feel more grown up than the undergrads and cooler than your fellow law students. [Disclaimer: MMB not responsible for delusions resulting from its solutions.]
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ID#: 213
From: tshortli
Nanoproblem: GCB nights were a real failure last semester. How do I get it back on track?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Let it go.
  2. Cling to the past.
  3. Sponsor an aggressively organized high-stakes darts league.
  4. The GCB will always be the best place off the internet.
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ID#: 212
From: LolCatobo
Nanoproblem: I haz a sad
Nanosolutions:
  1. It's the most natural thing in the world.
  2. We're on our site, solutioning ur problemz.
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ID#: 211
From: Honkey
Nanoproblem: Football season is over and the Pro Bowl is idiotic.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Don't fret, March Madness is right around the corner. Start watching college ball now so you have an edge in your bracket.
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ID#: 210
From: Fishamon
Nanoproblem: I'm at the point where the only thing I look forward to all week is Reggae Friday at work.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Implement Reggae Mondays and Wednesdays at work.
  2. Also implement Country Tuesdays for contrast.
  3. And Hair Band Ballad Thursdays to keep them guessing.
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ID#: 209
From: Valley Folk
Nanoproblem: We were planning on moving in with Zach, but in order to do so, Ryan has to move to Colorado. How can we convince Ryan to move to Colorado???
Nanosolutions:
  1. Let's talk memories of a lifetime.
  2. Employ someone to forcibly relocate Ryan.
  3. Use a carrot.
  4. Use a stick.
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ID#: 208
From: DNI
Nanoproblem: I am often cryptic.
Nanosolutions:
  1. So are we.
  2. Chris Dane Owens.
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ID#: 207
From: Vanessa
Nanoproblem: I only miss you a little.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Foolish. We are available in all places where the internet exists.
  2. Sorry about the harsh solution, we are just lashing out because we clearly miss you more.
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ID#: 206
From: Gina
Nanoproblem: I am sick at work and don't want to be here
Nanosolutions:
  1. Go home - sleep it off.
  2. Stay at work - tough it out.
  3. Advil-Morphine double shots.
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ID#: 205
From: Poling Sprand
Nanoproblem: I have not been mentioned on HuffPo, but would like to be.
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is not a nanoproblem. You are just jealous.
  2. And you probably don't have an in with our favorite HuffPo blogger.
  3. A nanoproblem submission is the best kind of publicity across all media.
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ID#: 204
From: Lena
Nanoproblem: My keyboard is really dirty, but every time I try to clean a key it just jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj .... see?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Canned air.
  2. First turn off your computer, then proceed to clean it.
  3. Buy a new computer. And maybe a new desk, since your desk is probably dirty too.
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ID#: 203
From: JByrd
Nanoproblem: I find myself increasingly interested in meteorology, but I'm worried that people think I'm just trying to do small talk when I bring up the weather.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Conversations about the weather leave the realm of "small talk" when they incorporate any of the following: city-by-city meteorological analysis, any mention of the words "barometric" or "tropospheric", and forecast models.
  2. The real nanoproblem is finding other people whose interest in the weather goes beyond "small talk."
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ID#: 202
From: Eli
Nanoproblem: There is an Israeli hooker/Cafeteria worker that lives next door to me and screams "ONLY YOU" in Hebrew very often in a hoarse voice. Should I confront her?
Nanosolutions:
  1. If she starts firing rockets into your room, then you should confront her with disproportionate force. Until then,
  2. Deal with it.
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ID#: 201
From: Shadowboxer
Nanoproblem: I've been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift and Fiona Apple lately.
Nanosolutions:
  1. We suggest you listen to Fiona Apple's second album, titled "When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You'll Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You Know That You're Right."
  2. We also suggest you listen to Taylor Swift's second album, titled "Fearless"
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ID#: 200
From: Tandytoboex
Nanoproblem: Movie stars = more attractive than self. Steve Buscemi = less. Yet, I am not a movie star. And Buscemi apparently is.
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is our 200th nanoproblem!
  2. We were really hoping it wouldn't be from you again...
  3. You're out of your element, Tobo.
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ID#: 199
From: The Skillman
Nanoproblem: Nanosolutions gets free HuffPo publicity, and no one even posts to me anymore. Can a blog commit suicide?
Nanosolutions:
  1. No, blogs can only be murdered or neglected to death. Looks like the latter will be your fate, The Skillman.
  2. A nanoproblem submission is the best kind of publicity on the internet.
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ID#: 198
From: cg
Nanoproblem: The vegetable peeler guy died before I had a chance to tell him I loved him. Now I have to teach a class, but am really too depressed.
Nanosolutions:
  1. You don't love him, you just think you do because you're too depressed to teach your class.
  2. Seriously, he had four wives and lived on the Upper East Side - I really don't think he's your type.
  3. No, but seriously, deal with it. and seek help for your depression (perhaps MMB PsychServices)?
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ID#: 197
From: Sis
Nanoproblem: Jeff and I decided he'd get the top bunk and I'd get the bottom. And NOW, I think cause I finished the Swiss Miss (didn't realize it was the last one), he's suddenly insisting that he wanted the bottom and I should get the top. What do I do about the fact that he's being a stupid idiot!?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Bring it up with Mom.
  2. Buy more Swiss Miss. Perhaps make Jeff a cup with some whipped cream and/or marshmallows to make amends.
  3. Pee in the bottom bunk to mark your territory and dissuade Jeff from desiring it.
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ID#: 196
From: Fritz
Nanoproblem: I've been struggling with my work -- I feel unfulfilled and listless. Do I use Firaga or Flare to beat my next boss? If the latter, where do I acquire the appropriate Materia
Nanosolutions:
  1. Depends on the boss.
  2. If your next boss is kind, perhaps you should not defeat him/her.
  3. If you exploited Toda's slimy spores for Fire Migicite, you'll have a Firaga at your command.
  4. You will have to defeat a Dragon Zombie to acquire Shadow Flare.
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ID#: 195
From: failure
Nanoproblem: i'm not actually good at my stupid-simple job. am i painfully dumb, or do i just not care?
Nanosolutions:
  1. You are painfully dumb.
  2. You just don't care.
  3. You are too painfully dumb to care.
  4. You can blame this site for any loss of productivity at work.
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ID#: 194
From: Itchy Face
Nanoproblem: I need to grow a moustache but it's getting so itchy
Nanosolutions:
  1. Stay the course, you will not regret it.
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ID#: 193
From: Dara
Nanoproblem: shorty's kinda crazy but it turns me on
Nanosolutions:
  1. Keep it up enough to keep it goin on, but try to refrain from tellin her things she don't need to know.
  2. You don't really need a Robocop. She's just a spoiled little LA girl.
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ID#: 192
From: mashed style
Nanoproblem: roommate's english boyfriend lectures and yells at her, which is upsetting considering his accent
Nanosolutions:
  1. Have your roommate learn another language to even the playing field.
  2. Chris Dane Owens
  3. Join in the arguments, lecturing him in different accents, like an international kaleidoscope.
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ID#: 191
From: squash pyle
Nanoproblem: how to graciously decline a date through txt msg
Nanosolutions:
  1. Pocket veto - you never got it, right?
  2. Respond with any of the following, in any order: "Sry!", "2Busy","Nxt Thyme may-b?", "a/s/l? j/k dont care".
  3. Responding via this site was response enough.
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ID#: 190
From: Niles Cough
Nanoproblem: Itchy, itchy, ITCHY.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Scratchy, scratchy, SCRATCHY.
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ID#: 189
From: Bandytex
Nanoproblem: Tossed Michelle's cookies.
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is not a nanoproblem. This is an act of nanocruelty.
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ID#: 188
From: James
Nanoproblem: She don't love me like she used to.
Nanosolutions:
  1. It's the most natural thing in the world.
  2. Build a time machine to go back to those days when she loved you like she did.
  3. Deal with it.
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ID#: 187
From: James
Nanoproblem: I just submitted a nanoproblem that I now realize in retrospect is actually a macroproblem. I am shamed.
Nanosolutions:
  1. We all make mistakes and learning from them makes us stronger.
  2. If that doesn't work, then seppuku. [Disclaimer: MMB not responsible for disembowelments resulting from its solutions.]
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ID#: 186
From: James
Nanoproblem: Voter turnout in Anbar province was lower than expected.
Nanosolutions:
  1. You will soon realize that this is not actually a nanoproblem.
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ID#: 185
From: Michelle Snow
Nanoproblem: I'm the only thing I'm afraid of
Nanosolutions:
  1. Using FDR's famous quote and the transitive property, we've decided that your nanoproblem is that you are fear itself.
  2. Face your fears.
  3. Tears for fears.
  4. Take your fears out to a nice restaurant.
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ID#: 184
From: michelle o.
Nanoproblem: i had a dream where i was part of a steampunk-19th-century world where young women were viewed as inferior to older women, similar to that found in margaret atwood's handmaid's tale. my "supervisors," two older women, decided it would be HILARIOUS to take me and three of my fellow girl-slaves to some fancy function and pass us off as one of them by putting us in 19th c clothes and telling us to be on our best behavior. upon arrival someone passed me a tumbler of alcohol which i, in a moment of extreme resourcefulness, smashed against the table. i held a shard up to the throat of one of the supervisor ladies and told her i was leaving "or else." i ran off through a plate glass window with one fellow girl-slave, but as soon as we jumped out she went to the right and i went to the left. i ran into two women (the supervisor kind) who wanted to know what had happened but since i was in my blending-in clothes i convinced them i was going ot get help. then i escaped to a railway station and managed to convince another girl to let me on a train and that i wasn't up to no good as she first thought i might be. finally i jumped off of the train and arrived at a strange university-cum-ruined house place where i fell in with a crowd of misfits. we grew suspicious of one roommate, a certain "mark" who had a square jaw and blond hair and a stringy blonde mustache. we began to fear that he would turn us, and especially me, in to the authorities, and we were discussing our fears when we realized that mark was in fact in the next room. when he realized we'd seen him he leapt to the window and i stopped him saying "don't jump, mark." he said he was just trying to go to churhc with his mother, who just then knocked on our door. his mother turned out to be a small man in a wig and a kerchief. then i woke up, and suddenly my life seemed so dull.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Deal with it.
  2. This is an apt moment to inform our users that we claim full rights to all intellectual property posted on this site, as well as all the royalties and bonuses associated with screenplays resulting from that property. For any further inquiries regarding intellectual property, refer to our affiliate MMB Legal.
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ID#: 183
From: Steph M
Nanoproblem: I'm in the best shape of my life, but nobody seems to care.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Modify your outlook to view being in shape as a personal accomplishment rather than an external-facing goal.
  2. Deal with it.
  3. Perform subtle but obvious athletic feats to make everyone around you painfully aware of how much your fitness surpasses theirs.
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ID#: 182
From: Todd
Nanoproblem: shoe is moist
Nanosolutions:
  1. ShamWoW.
  2. Use a blow dryer to dry it.
  3. Use a blowtorch to dry it.
  4. Use a blowtorch to destroy it and buy a new dry pair.
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ID#: 181
From: Science Teacher
Nanoproblem: When I met Milton the second time, the lights were on. I realized he has braces. What do I do?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Turn the lights out. baby.
  2. Ask him to get ceramic braces.
  3. Deal with it.
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ID#: 180
From: James
Nanoproblem: I am able to charge dinner to my company if I stay at work past 7. Whenever I work late to this point, I try to order early it so that the food arrives between 7 and 7:30 so as not to force me to stay even later than planned on account of waiting for food. If I do not announce my intention to order food to others in the office, they are perturbed with me when it arrives. But if include others in my order, I feel that I am being judged for announcing my intentions at 6:15 or 6:30 (it takes a while to gather multiple orders), well before 7 o’clock. I feel as though my coworkers think I am milking the system just to get free dinner.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Your coworkers are obviously right, so the real nanoproblem appears to be that you are concerned about their potential disapproval.
  2. Form a facebook group called "The Secret Underground Society of People who Understand that It's OK to order food before 7pm" and only ask the people who join your group if they want to join in on your order.
  3. Add chocolate chips to everyone's food - they make everything better. Everything.
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ID#: 179
From: thirsty
Nanoproblem: there is no more cherry coke zero left, the god of all sodas
Nanosolutions:
  1. Calling cherry coke zero the god of all sodas is the real nanoproblem.
  2. We assure you that there is more cherry coke zero left.
  3. On the off-chance that we are wrong, try Diet Pepsi Wild Cherry, the god of some sodas.
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ID#: 178
From: donkeykong
Nanoproblem: i don't many of the songs in rockband, and that makes me anxious
Nanosolutions:
  1. Your lack of a verb is a more serious nanoproblem than whatever the rockband issue is.
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ID#: 177
From: James
Nanoproblem: I don't get hungry in the morning until 11:30, but by then it's too close to lunchtime for me to eat breakfast without ruining my appetite thereby postponing lunch and it’s accompanying break past the point where it is considered acceptable in the office to take. The result is a half hour of crippling stomach pains caused by drinking coffee on an empty stomach.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Buy a box of Nature's Valley bars and bring it to work. While you drink your morning coffee, open one up and eat it in little bits, breaking off pieces from 9:30 until 10:30. This small (and nutritious) slow-drip style breakfast will help you bridge the gap from 11:30 to 12 or 12:30 and you will be adequately hungry for a strong lunch.
  2. Eat half a banana.
  3. Advil-Morphine Double Shots.
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ID#: 176
From: Alice
Nanoproblem: What can one do regarding small problems with my cat throwing up in the house?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Tell your cat to stop eating things that make it puke.
  2. Deal with it. Patiently.
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ID#: 175
From: Baconator
Nanoproblem: i want to make this, but i'm scared: http://www.bbqaddicts.com/blog/recipes/bacon-explosion/
Nanosolutions:
  1. Make it and deal with the consequences. Sclerotically.
  2. Stop reading food blogs with names like "BBQ Addicts."
  3. Why stop there? Insert the Bacon Explosion inside a Turbaconducken.
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ID#: 174
From: annebrr
Nanoproblem: the bathroom at work is prohibitively cold. it's not "the most natural thing in the world." it's terrible.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Turn up the heat. baby.
  2. Employ someone to sit on the seat for 15 minutes before you use it.
  3. If you are uncomfortable with that option, then request the procurement of one of the many heated toilet seat options available on the market.
  4. Start a small fire for heat using discarded paper towels.
  5. Stop using the bathroom.
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ID#: 173
From: James
Nanoproblem: MMB Nanosolutions misspelled the word “diegetic” in nanosolution #168. I am sorely disappointed, and that wasn’t even my nanoproblem.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Please file your complaint with our affiliate, MMB TrashBin.
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ID#: 172
From: Michelle Snow
Nanoproblem: C is for cookie, thats good enough for me
Nanosolutions:
  1. Congratulations.
  2. However, this is not a nanoproblem.
  3. If your nanoproblem is, "I love that sesame street song so much it hurts," we suggest the following nanosolution: Explore similar songs like "Bein' Green" or "Rubber Duckie"
  4. If you happen to not be Michelle Snow, you should be ashamed.
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ID#: 171
From: Jeff Yosko
Nanoproblem: I procrastinate too much when I try to write magazine articles.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Try writing novels.
  2. Install procrastination-detecting lasers.
  3. Write magazine articles about procrastinating.
  4. Deal with it. Eventually.
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ID#: 170
From: On the Toilet
Nanoproblem: diarrhea
Nanosolutions:
  1. TMI
  2. Congratulations on your literal interpretation of the "from" field.
  3. Kaopectate.
  4. Immodium.
  5. Deal with it. But, really,
  6. TMI.
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ID#: 169
From: Alice
Nanoproblem: what is a nanoproblem?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Please see our increasingly useful Nano FAQ for guidance on this nanoconfusion.
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ID#: 168
From: ghostwriter
Nanoproblem: i got this distress call from 1928, but i am afraid that the team will be alarmed and confused by my sudden disappearance into the past.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Please refer to episode summaries for future diegetic nanoproblems, as they have all been solved before.
  2. Your strength will be pushed to its limits when you have to time travel from Frank and his best friend Catherine in 1928, to Jamal and the team in 1993, and back, in order to help Frank clear his name in the theft of a priceless tea set. So,
  3. Deal with it.
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ID#: 167
From: Danny
Nanoproblem: Don't live in a rain shadow.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Ok.
  2. This submission raises all sorts of nanoproblems.
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ID#: 166
From: The Real Michelle Snow
Nanoproblem: There are too many Michelles using this site, and one time my friend James Brandt submitted his embarrassingly obvious, boring nanoproblem under my name. I get confused.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Deal with it.
  2. Incorporate titles and adjectives in your name that only you would use.
  3. Hunt them down. All of them.
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ID#: 165
From: Autumn Weatherly
Nanoproblem: 42 degrees feels like 38. Light coat w/sweater etc. underneath or hefty winter coat w/light clothes underneath. Today involves walking for me.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Because you will be walking, you will likely generate warmth, which may get uncomfortable if you cannot ventilate. Wear a heavy coat with light clothes beneath.
  2. Layer it up. Baby.
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ID#: 164
From: ch
Nanoproblem: I like all three major meals. Breakfast. Lunch, and Dinner. But I Almost never get out of bed before noon. What should I do?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Get up before noon on a regular basis.
  2. Shift your meal schedule back half a day: breakfast at lunch, lunch at dinner, dinner in bed.
  3. Shift your meal schedule forward half a day: lunch at breakfast, dinner at lunch, breakfast in bed.
  4. Stop eating meals entirely so you don't have to choose one and hurt the others.
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ID#: 163
From: ManBearPig
Nanoproblem: I have a strong feeling that I am being pursued by someone with unimaginable power and ambition (probably shouldn't have used my real name)
Nanosolutions:
  1. Announce "I know you're listening" to empty rooms.
  2. Use the pseudonym "ChildWallabyDuck" to conceal your identity.
  3. Ally yourself with a being of even greater power.
  4. Give up.
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ID#: 162
From: Joel W
Nanoproblem: My toe itches.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Scratch it discreetly.
  2. Deal with it.
  3. Line your shoe with sand paper so you have something constantly scratching your toe to avoid potential itches.
  4. Lop it off.
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ID#: 161
From: Everyone who submitted blank nanoproblems despite our fix.
Nanoproblem:
Nanosolutions:
  1. You think you're so smart. We've corrected this loophole. Please use the system as it's intended. MMB Nanosolutions is a privilege, not a right. baby.
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ID#: 160
From: Andytobo
Nanoproblem: Allergic to unicorns
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is a fantasy macro problem, albeit your best submission by far.
  2. Try to avoid contact with unicorns if the allergy is severe.
  3. Take an anti-histamine to mitigate allergy symptoms.
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ID#: 159
From: James
Nanoproblem: I thought that adding onions and garlic to my pasta carbonara would make it more tasty, but I have now found this to be a mistake. My pasta still tastes good, but not as good as before I tweeked the recipe.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Return to the old recipe.
  2. Add chocolate chips - they make everything better. Everything.
  3. Let's wedge it.
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ID#: 158
From: the stupid bitches on floor two
Nanoproblem: The people in the apartment above us make noise in the hallways, and we want it to stop, but we are so insecure and childish that we complain to the landlord instead of simply asking the wonderful people on floor three
Nanosolutions:
  1. Install carpet in the hallway above.
  2. Install soundproofing insulation in the hallway above.
  3. Install booby traps and lasers in the hallway above.
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ID#: 157
From: Ghostwriter
Nanoproblem: The Thunderheads gang has moved into the neighborhood and most of the kids think that Victor helped trash Hurston School. I know that Rob is right, and that Victor is being framed. We need to figure this out or the Community Jam Against Violence will be cancelled! How can I use my ghostwriting powers to help the kids solve this mystery?
Nanosolutions:
  1. You'll have to track down a copy of the rap Victor wrote so he can rap it at the CJAV. Also you'll have to help Rob write an article about being caught by the Thunderheads by suggesting that he use specific words and scenes to imagine what happened.
  2. Just kidding. Deal with it.
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ID#: 156
From: Andytobo
Nanoproblem: I peed on Aaron Twining Myers' pillows, and now I fear revenge
Nanosolutions:
  1. We've dealt with this incident sufficiently in previous nanosolutions and will respond to no further queries.
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ID#: 155
From: rechelle
Nanoproblem: i want more money
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is a materialistic aspiration, not a nanoproblem.
  2. Chris Dane Owens.
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ID#: 154
From: Todd
Nanoproblem: my shamwow doesn't wow me
Nanosolutions:
  1. Take it back.
  2. Ensure that you have an actual ShamWow! and not a cheap imitator. The real ShamWow! is made by German Engineers.
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ID#: 153
From: lyle squash
Nanoproblem: you never answered my previous nanoproblem about forehead tension. i have low self esteem as it is.
Nanosolutions:
  1. See "lyle squash" below.
  2. Also refer to NanoFAQ question #8.
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ID#: 152
From: I Eat Too Much Steak
Nanoproblem: I love steak, but it makes my farts smell terrible.
Nanosolutions:
  1. It's the most natural thing in the world.
  2. Conduct your flatulence discreetly apart from other people.
  3. Carry around a lighter so that you can dangerously and spectacularly serve up flatulence flambe, which will be so awesome and unexpected that no one will mind the smell.
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ID#: 151
From: michelle o.
Nanoproblem: i'm out of scrap paper
Nanosolutions:
  1. Ask your neighbor for some.
  2. Use "scrap fabric", i.e. old shirts.
  3. Sneak into an office and raid the recycle bin.
  4. Get with the 21st century and stop using paper.
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ID#: 150
From: Joan
Nanoproblem: I suffer from severe migraines.
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is a medical normal problem.
  2. But you could try some of the solutions for "Tasha" below.
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ID#: 149
From: obama
Nanoproblem: Forgot the words to the presidential oath of office. Am slightly embarassed.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Issue a couple of controversial Executive Orders - you'll feel better.
  2. We at MMB don't blame you at all for the slip up. John Roberts, in fact, screwed up the oath by moving "faithfully" from the end of the oath to the beginning. You were left with the choice of either repeating an error, or appearing to make an error yourself. A choice that no man should be forced to make.
  3. Deal with it. Presidentially.
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ID#: 148
From: kathryn
Nanoproblem: neglected to compliment friend's haircut
Nanosolutions:
  1. If you meant to compliment the friend's haircut, it is never too late.
  2. If you neglected to compliment because the haircut was actually atrocious, then you need to find friends who get better haircuts.
  3. If you neglected to compliment because you didn't notice, even the playing field: get an 1/8 inch trim and then complain when your friend doesn't compliment you.
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ID#: 147
From: Sarah
Nanoproblem: Someone found my usability problem on your site before me, and now I'm pissed.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Not more pissed than us at having to sift through all your unwanted "QA" nanoproblem submissions.
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ID#: 146
From: Sarah - User Experience Researcher and Designer
Nanoproblem: Once I submit a Nanoproblem in the Nanoproblem Submission System, there isn't a link back to the Nanoproblem Submission System. I have a lot of fucking problems, so I'd like to be able to submit more than one? And don't tell me to deal with it and use the browser's back button. I have needs, you know
Nanosolutions:
  1. Your needs are obviously beyond the scope of this site.
  2. Though interestingly, the huge picture at the top of every page is a link to the Nanoproblem Submission System.
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ID#: 145
From: Sarah - QA tester @ <3
Nanoproblem: I can submit empty problems into the Nanoproblem Submission System. This seems like a bug to me. Besides that, where do the empty problems go?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Empty nanoproblems are forwarded to one of our smaller affiliates.
  2. That being said, the empty nanoproblem bug has been fixed. We dare you to submit one now.
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ID#: 144
From: cg
Nanoproblem: I ate too many cookies and now I feel pretty sick.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Eat smaller cookies so quantity is less of a factor.
  2. Convince yourself that you have a tapeworm. When you feel better in an hour, you'll feel a LOT better since you thought you had a tapeworm.
  3. Puke and rally.
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ID#: 143
From: AndyBixTex
Nanoproblem: I own Bowman's life, but I don't know what to do with it so I keep it in my sock drawer. Lately it's been making claims about being a really great house painter, or some shit.
Nanosolutions:
  1. We're following up with our Affiliate, MMB Legal, to see what the statute of limitations is on that transaction. We suspect you don't actually own his life anymore.
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ID#: 142
From: B. Prafulkumar
Nanoproblem: Who let the dogs out?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Mitt Romney
  2. Chris Dane Owens
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ID#: 141
From: AndrewT-oboe
Nanoproblem: I was one of the premier outfielders in low-division intramural softball, but I could never be better than Cerrano. Now I daydream that Cerrano sneaks in, when I leave, and sleeps with my girlfriend. And is way better at it. Not that THAT would be hard...
Nanosolutions:
  1. Serrano* was the ultimate nanoproblem.
  2. However, the first nanoproblem in your submission is calling yourself one of the premier outfielders. At least two of us recall panic attacks from fly balls to left field.
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ID#: 140
From: Chris Dane Owens
Nanoproblem: I would like to make a new music video, but the girls I hired this time are less willingly to change costumes/characters with the level of reckless abandon I appreciated so much in my last set of girls. HELP??? Also shine on me plz.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Switch to full CGI. That would allow you to increase the level of costume/set/character changes to spastically glorious heights.
  2. MMB shines on you with the light of love. So,
  3. Deal with it.
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ID#: 139
From: M. Tivoli
Nanoproblem: Confessed too much.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Be what they think you are.
  2. ERROR: No nanoproblem detected: You are part of a cultural movement of interest in stories of reverse aging, similar to the cultural movement of interest in surfing and ninjas (and often both) in the early 90s. So,
  3. Deal with it.
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ID#: 138
From: K. MacNeil
Nanoproblem: Recently discovered I was a ghostwriter and didn't know it. Worse, my book didn't sell.
Nanosolutions:
  1. See solution for Ghostwriter below.
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ID#: 137
From: Ghostwriter
Nanoproblem: I got duped.
Nanosolutions:
  1. See solution for K. MacNeil above.
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ID#: 136
From: BandrewTexas
Nanoproblem: Aaron Twining Myers pissed on my pillows. I just want to know why.
Nanosolutions:
  1. You've demonstrated numerous times to the readers of this site how someone could be driven to piss on your pillows.
  2. For further details, please refer to our affiliate MMB Truth/Reconciliation.
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ID#: 135
From: Nanogirl
Nanoproblem: Sometimes when I get drunk, I make out with Sean Devaney.
Nanosolutions:
  1. It's the most natural thing in the world.
  2. Switch to other substances and see what happens. [Disclaimer: MMB not responsible for addictions resulting from its solutions.]
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ID#: 134
From: FakeOrly
Nanoproblem: In your previous nanoanswer, you suggested shitting in Aaron's room, which raises another nanoproblem: I am too far away to shit in Aaron's room. Can nanosolutions find me a proxy?
Nanosolutions:
  1. If you are unable to perform a task yourself, we always suggest employing someone else to perform it. However, we do not offer proxy finding services. And despite the robust variety of affiliates in our network, we don't have one that will fit your needs in this situation. So,
  2. Deal with it.
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ID#: 133
From: Owen
Nanoproblem: I can't fall asleep before 5am.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Try going to bed before 4:45 am.
  2. Read the "Cetology" chapter of Moby Dick.
  3. Adjust your work schedule to allow you to roll in at 2 pm.
  4. Deal with it. Exhaustedly.
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ID#: 132
From: lyle squash
Nanoproblem: I sometimes feel as if I have to actively furrow my brow and forehead in order to keep my eyes open wide enough to see sufficiently. not only does this give me headaches, but I also look hostile/troubled for no reason. when i do relax my forehead, not only does my brow skin partially hood my eyes in a vexing way, but I look grim for no reason. I often go for days when this is not at all a problem, and then I wake up and it is back. I don't even understand the factors involved in this nanoproblem. i'm nanolost at nanosea on this thing, guys.
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is a particularly bizarre nanoproblem.
  2. Purchase very tall glasses that prop up your brow skin.
  3. Please refer to our affiliate, MMB PlasticSurgury.
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ID#: 131
From: James
Nanoproblem: How do you plan on penetrating the nanosolutions market when it is saturated with such behemoths as IOTA Nanosolution and ALD Nanosolutions? Will you attend the global nanosolutions convention in Frankfurt this November?
Nanosolutions:
  1. It's a matter of scope.
  2. We would be honored to be invited to the Global Nanosolutions Convention in Frankfurt this November.
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ID#: 130
From: Scott
Nanoproblem: I'm going to work/study 14 hours a day for the next 4 weeks
Nanosolutions:
  1. Multitask - keep a book open while you do all of your other daily fun activities. It's gotten you this far.
  2. Make those other 10 hours/day count. baby.
  3. Deal with it. With caffeine. And possibly amphetamines. [Disclaimer: MMB not responsible for drug addictions resulting from its solutions.]
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ID#: 129
From: Lena
Nanoproblem: OMG my (real) banana tastes exactly like a Runts banana candy! Shouldn't I be able to enjoy them as distinct entities, as is the case with (real) raspberries and things flavored "Blue Raspberry?"
Nanosolutions:
  1. Be careful where you buy bananas - this should not happen.
  2. Procure bananas, a box of runts and some miracle fruit and compare the flavors - allegedly bananas will taste the same as they would otherwise; however, no one has made this claim about banana flavored Runts.
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ID#: 128
From: Kathryn
Nanoproblem: too cold to leave house
Nanosolutions:
  1. Move to where "Bethany" lives.
  2. Drink before leaving.
  3. Stay in and play board games, video games, computer games, mind games, games with our hearts, war games, or any other games you have lying around.
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ID#: 127
From: Tandyexbig
Nanoproblem: People tend to think Will Masket is short, but actually he's like 5' 10" and a pretty good rebounder for his size
Nanosolutions:
  1. Flattering members of the MMB team will not help in your quest to stay out of the auto-trash filter.
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ID#: 126
From: Michelle
Nanoproblem: all i ever do is watch buffy the vampire slayer and read the twilight books, and i don't feel that guilty about it. so now, i feel guilty for not feeling guilty, in addition to lamenting the fact that so far i have not had a vampire boyfriend.
Nanosolutions:
  1. MMB believes that this is a symptom of a deeper problem where your actual ambition does not match up with your self-conception of your ambition.
  2. Deal with it.
  3. Please consult our affiliate, MMB V-Date.
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ID#: 125
From: Owen
Nanoproblem: I was wearing a scarf inside at a party last night, which apparently means I'm gay. Why does everything I do make people think I'm gay?
Nanosolutions:
  1. One of the MMB members was told by a stranger recently that his "glasses make you gay." It must be a new way of complimenting a stylish man's style. So,
  2. Deal with it
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ID#: 124
From: Michelle Snow
Nanoproblem: You need to allow users to isolate each answer in the archive, so they can send links to their friends without sending the entire archive page and forcing them to ctrl the mofo
Nanosolutions:
  1. Nanoproblem already solved. You'll notice we've linked to specific nanoproblems in previous nanosolutions. For example, to link to this nanoproblem, you would write: www.mmbnanosolutions.com/archive/124
  2. But just to make this easier, we implemented a new feature where you can click on the ID # to go to that nanoproblem's page. You're welcome.
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ID#: 123
From: Owen
Nanoproblem: I like french fries, but I know they're bad for me.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Moderation.
  2. Deal with it.
  3. Wrap them in spinach leaves. It's a dish we just came up with called "Spuds in a Blanket".
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ID#: 122
From: David
Nanoproblem: I am coming to a dinner party tonight. I was told to bring either bread or wine. Which should I bring?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Bread
  2. Wine
  3. If you care to impress, bring both. baby.
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ID#: 121
From: Bethany
Nanoproblem: I got 99 nanoproblems but a nano-bitch ain't one
Nanosolutions:
  1. We're pleased to hear that, and we look forward to providing nanosolutions to all 99 of your nanoproblems.
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ID#: 120
From: Sam
Nanoproblem: I'm having trouble dealing with it
Nanosolutions:
  1. By definition, this means that you do not have a nanoproblem.
  2. You know what we're going to say.
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ID#: 119
From: cat
Nanoproblem: when setting up our router, my roommate forgot the password. we stole from the neighbors for a while, but they didn't pay their bill. now we are fucked.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Most home routers have a recessed reset button that can be pushed with a pen or other pointy implement. When this button is held down, it will reset the internal memory of the router which will revert the administrative password to the factory default. You can look up what the factory default settings are by going to the manufacturer's website for your router. Typically it's "admin", "password" or something similar.
  2. Internet is over-rated.
  3. Deal with it. Offline.
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ID#: 118
From: cg
Nanoproblem: I have not seen the sun since I left New York City. I think I'm getting depressed/vitamin D deficient.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Consider purchasing a HappyLite.
  2. Eat more fatty fish or cod liver oil.
  3. Move back to New York where you can be with the majority of your friends.
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ID#: 117
From: Tobloblusky
Nanoproblem: Sometimes I hear my old high school band director yelling at me in my dreams. I wake up and look out the window and there he is, with a bullhorn; I think he lost his job in the housing collapse. I feel bad for him, but still don't like him. Also, I graduted in like '03, do you think he visits other students?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Worst nanoproblem ever.
  2. We appreciate the stories resulting from your interactions with him, so we feel you should do what you can to console him. Hopefully, that will occupy your time sufficiently to stem your unwelcome tide of nanoidiocies.
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ID#: 116
From: James
Nanoproblem: Taking your advice to Owen in solution #78, I purchased a flying alarm clock. Now it is locked in an an epic, continuous battle with my Clocky that has left my room in shambles. (See http://www.nandahome.com/products/clocky/)
Nanosolutions:
  1. Just wait it out. The flying alarm clock will win eventually since it will always have the high ground. However, Clocky is more of a guerrilla fighter, so it might take time.
  2. Be careful of machines.
  3. Sleep on the floor. You won't need deranged autonomic alarm clocks, since it will be so uncomfortable that you'll look forward to getting out of bed in the morning.
  4. See our other advice to Owen about scorpions.
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ID#: 115
From: LP
Nanoproblem: I really want an espresso machine, and even tho it's much cheaper than Starbucks, I feel like a douche buying one.
Nanosolutions:
  1. It seems like the real problem here is your self-esteem.
  2. This can happen when you spend your days ruining economies.
  3. Seek therapy.
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ID#: 114
From: Carla
Nanoproblem: My friend Becca told me to come hear and report my problems. She said I would get excellent answers. But I still haven't received a solution for my incredibly loud-singing, spastic, seizure-like carpool buddy. Everyday that I ride with him is one more day on the road to aneurysm. Please help!
Nanosolutions:
  1. Please refer to the NanoFAQ. While we respect the urgency of your situation, all we can say is
  2. Deal with it.
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ID#: 113
From: James Wood
Nanoproblem: mcsweeney's rejected my list of possible pseudonymous sequels to my fit book /how fiction works/
Nanosolutions:
  1. If it's any consolation, we will post it here:

    Possible Pseudonymous Sequels to James Wood's How Fiction Works

    How Conditional Statements Work
    by James Would

    How Antagonistic Relationships with Women Work
    by Norwegian Wood

    How Flimsy Homemade Airplanes Work
    by Balsa Wood

    How Horror Films work
    by Petrified Wood

    How Luck Works
    by Knock on Wood

    How the Other Half Works
    by Polished Wood
  2. Deal with it.
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ID#: 112
From: Panda123
Nanoproblem: It is ALWAYS cloudy in seattle, and there are 100 mediocre thai restaurants and no real creperies with real vaguely snooty french women. Also there are no Jews.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Take a day trip to one of the other great Pacific Northwest cities, like Vancouver or Portland.
  2. Use yelp to find better thai restaurants and creperies with french women of the desired snootiness.
  3. Use J-date to meet some Jews.
  4. Deal with it.
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ID#: 111
From: ScottMD
Nanoproblem: I met a girl who has bacterial vaginosis and a cleft lip. GREAT personality. Help me, MMB!
Nanosolutions:
  1. TMI
  2. You're a Doctor, Deal with it.
  3. Personality is what counts. baby.
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ID#: 110
From: carla
Nanoproblem: My carpool buddy sings too loudly and dances in a seizure-like fashion.
Nanosolutions:
  1. If he/she does this while they are driving, that is a macroproblem.
  2. Try playing classical music in the car.
  3. Throw them out of the car. [Disclaimer: MMB not responsible for resulting tragicomic fiasco if person thrown out is driving the vehicle]
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ID#: 109
From: Jenise
Nanoproblem: Sean Devaney wants to eat the hopes and dreams of my unborn children. What should I do?
Nanosolutions:
  1. That sounds like a fantastical macroproblem.
  2. Don't have children.
  3. Eat his hopes and dreams first.
  4. Let's wedge it.
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ID#: 108
From: Sean
Nanoproblem: My plane has crashed into a river
Nanosolutions:
  1. NOT A NANOPROBLEM. Come on, people.
  2. Though we're glad nobody was hurt.
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ID#: 107
From: Me
Nanoproblem: Don't know what to do with my life.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Thank you for providing yet another example of what is NOT a nanoproblem. But since we are feeling generous,
  2. Chris Dane Owens.
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ID#: 106
From: anne
Nanoproblem: geese made a plane crash
Nanosolutions:
  1. Thank you for submitting the definitive example of what is not a nanoproblem.
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ID#: 105
From: Avril LeClarkson
Nanoproblem: Since U Been Gone, I Can Breathe For The First Time
Nanosolutions:
  1. While we appreciate your business, pop-hybrid Avril/Kelly, this seems to be a macrosolution to a previous relationship macroproblem.
  2. Congratulations.
  3. p.s. Thank you for all the dance parties. We are big fans.
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ID#: 104
From: Ken
Nanoproblem: My pseudonym for this site isn't really a pseudonym, and I am not sure if I am spelling pseudonym right. Is it okay not to have a pseudonym, and, if not, what should my pseudonym be?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Pseudonyms are not required. Unless you ask bizarre questions and want to mask your identity like Andrew Brent Tobolowsky.
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ID#: 103
From: Nanotruth
Nanoproblem: I take issue with Nanosolutions approach to breakfast, as at least two members of Nanosolutions grab a Nature Valley bars on their respective ways to work.
Nanosolutions:
  1. MMB Nano takes issue with your verb/object number agreement.
  2. MMB Nano also denies all charges.
  3. Even if it were true, MMB Nano would have nothing to apologize for, as Nature Valley bars are delicious and nutritious.
  4. And the other member of MMB religiously eats glorious breakfasts every morning.
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ID#: 102
From: Bethany
Nanoproblem: Everyone in my life is suddenly using the word "balmy" to describe the weather. This is not a word that tends to come up a lot in life, and I've heard it at least 8 times in the past week. I do not approve. What to do?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Wear a sign at all times that indicates that if you hear the word "balmy" you will gouge some eyes out.
  2. Start approving.
  3. Even if you cannot begin to approve, take heart in the fact that you live in a place where weather can be described as "balmy". In January.
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ID#: 101
From: Bethany
Nanoproblem: Every time I think I've gotten that pesky Rihanna song out of my head, it turns out it's just been replaced by a different song by Rihanna. How do I overcome this?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Chris Dane Owens.
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ID#: 100
From: BigTandyEx
Nanoproblem: How can I reach these keedz?
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is our 100th nanoproblem!
  2. We were hoping it wouldn't be from you...
  3. It is nanotragic that you have influence over young minds.
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ID#: 99
From: LP
Nanoproblem: I don't get how mmbns is different from the countless other q&a websites, e.g. ministry of misanthropy, forum 2010, or the conversatron.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Q&A sites can be judged on four criteria: 1) quality of answers, 2) speediness of answers, 3) collective awesomeness of answerers, and 4) smallness of scope. MMB NanoSolutions is superior to all sites on all counts.
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ID#: 98
From: jeff
Nanoproblem: can't figure out whether the large hadrone flavor-of-the-month popsci nanoceleb collider is Really Important or some flavor-of-the-month nanoceleb
Nanosolutions:
  1. Please be a little clearer in future nanoproblem submissions. We aren't "hip" to all this newfangled "lingo" or "whatever."
  2. The Large Hadron Collider is SERIOUS BIZNESS.
  3. Every moment we don't get spaghettified is a moment that the Large Hadron Collider loses importance.
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ID#: 97
From: jeff
Nanoproblem: someone ate all my hanukkah gelt. i suspect one or both of my stoner roommates. please address this atrocity.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Buy some Hershey's kisses, as they are made of the same chocolate.
  2. While your current gelt is gone, future petty theft might be prevented by installing an intimidating number of CCTV cameras in your apartment.
  3. And lasers.
  4. Invoke the prisoner's dilemma - question them separately, threatening them both with significant prison time unless they cooperate. Bear in mind, they probably won't appreciate this. [Disclaimer: MMB Nanosolutions not responsible for broken friendships resulting from our solutions.]
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ID#: 96
From: kathryn
Nanoproblem: my boyfriend broke up with me :( but he wants me to come to some party he's djing tomorrow. he is a good dj but we broke up :(
Nanosolutions:
  1. Go to the party, but don't dance. That will show him that you no longer respond to his seductive sounds, figuratively. And literally.
  2. Ask him to wear a space helmet and perform in a giant pyramid so you can pretend you're seeing daft punk instead of him.
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ID#: 95
From: Lena
Nanoproblem: Grounds in my coffee.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Get a second mug and some cheesecloth and pour the coffee from one mug to the other through the cheesecloth.
  2. Deal with it.
  3. Make better coffee.
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ID#: 94
From: Nate
Nanoproblem: I want to get cable television without dealing with a utility company, and I don't know my non-utility company options (if there are any)
Nanosolutions:
  1. Watch Hulu.
  2. Purchase DVDs of your favorite shows.
  3. Use a service like netflix to get your favorite shows.
  4. Just plug your tv into the outlet. Sometimes the cable is there already, mysteriously and wonderfully.
  5. Order an item, such as a rug, and when it is delivered, hold the delivery person hostage until the rug company arranges for you to get cable without your having to deal with the utility company. [Disclaimer: MMB NanoSolutions not responsible for legal or criminal ramifications of its solutions]
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ID#: 93
From: Bagel Kegel
Nanoproblem: My nanoproblem was solved more effectively by an outside source: I would say: "Buy Lender's bagels. They come in six packs, so are cheaper per bagel. And, if you toast them and cover them in Philadelphia cream cheese, they actually taste quite edible." Now I don't know which source to consult [that's my new nanoproblem]
Nanosolutions:
  1. You should always consult MMB NanoSolutions.
  2. Our solution was superior to your third party source, as we specified a "decent place," so the bagels you would enjoy from our solution would be superior while still economical.
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ID#: 92
From: James
Nanoproblem: I have run out of napkins and the paper towels from the bathroom are not doing a good job soaking up the grease on my fingers from my bacon pizza. I don't feel like walking all the way to the kitchen for more napkins. Jesus Christ, now my keyboard is all greasy.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Wash your hands with soap.
  2. Buy a bottle of hand sanitizer to keep at your desk so you don't have to move.
  3. Please, users, do not submit nanoproblems after eating bacon pizza.
  4. For that matter, don't eat bacon pizza.
  5. Well, maybe once a day or so is ok.
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ID#: 91
From: Joan
Nanoproblem: No one reads my books anymore.
Nanosolutions:
  1. While sad, we can't really respond to this, since all of your readers have probably come to this site. so,
  2. Deal with it.
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ID#: 90
From: Ashley
Nanoproblem: Yesterday i submitted a nanoproblem and it was not answered.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Please see our NanoFAQ page, which will alert you to our policy for inquiries like this.
  2. Due to the volume of nanoproblems being submitted, and the limited resources of the consulting staff, it takes some time to generate nanosolutions. So,
  3. Deal with it.
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ID#: 89
From: Zach
Nanoproblem: crabs
Nanosolutions:
  1. OK, once and for all: Sexually Transmitted Diseases are not Nanoproblems. Refer to our NanoFAQ.
  2. Excuse us, Sexually Transmitted Infections
  3. If your nanoproblem is an inability to find quality crustaceans for dinner, we recommend Chesapeake Blue Crabs.
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ID#: 88
From: Jeffrey Wood
Nanoproblem: +/-4 hours to kill til drowse
Nanosolutions:
  1. Sleep now, wake up early, and use the extra time to eat a robust breakfast. Breakfast is the official meal of MMB Nanosolutions, and we always encourage any solution that involves making the time to eat it.
  2. Engage in an activity, such as reading, decorating, movie watching, music playing, or conversation.
  3. Ask BigAndyTex for advice on how to spend your free moments alone. Just kidding. Don't ever do that.
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ID#: 87
From: my life is passing by much too quickly
Nanoproblem: a paralegal
Nanosolutions:
  1. See "I forgot to buy AppleCare" below.
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ID#: 86
From: Addie
Nanoproblem: I am supposed to be studying lung diseases but instead I find myself learning how to solve nanoproblems by reading through the nanoarchive ... ALL DAY LONG. Is this a problem?
Nanosolutions:
  1. No.
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ID#: 85
From: Owen
Nanoproblem: you should have a "home" link on the archive page
Nanosolutions:
  1. Nanoproblem already solved - the large image is a link to the homepage.
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ID#: 84
From: Danonymous
Nanoproblem: There is increasing sexual tension within the MMB staff.
Nanosolutions:
  1. No there isn't.
  2. We'll deal with it. In our own way.
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ID#: 83
From: George
Nanoproblem: MMB has currently described melting, death, detachable penises and love for Aaron Myers all as the most natural thing in the world. Which is it?
Nanosolutions:
  1. ERROR: no nanoproblem detected
  2. Some combination of the four.
  3. But mostly the last one.
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ID#: 82
From: Elliot
Nanoproblem: My friend Kathryn posts on this site instead of communicating with me directly
Nanosolutions:
  1. MMB NanoSolutions would like to refer you to our affiliate - Kathryn.
  2. We believe posting to our site is a perfectly viable alternative to in-person communication.
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ID#: 81
From: ciff
Nanoproblem: i am tired of eating lunch alone and sometimes i spill it on my computer or the floor around my desk.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Ask your friends if they are free for lunch - try to make it a routine.
  2. If you have no friends, try discreetly sitting next to strangers engaged in conversation at restaurants/cafeterias, and see if they notice. This is especially practical if a Le Pain Quotidien is nearby.
  3. If you do eat alone, set up a tarp to collect your scraps and keep your hardware safe.
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ID#: 80
From: forrest
Nanoproblem: i can't get to work before 9:30am
Nanosolutions:
  1. See nanosolutions for "Owen" below.
  2. This is not a nanoproblem in and of itself, unless it is causing nanoproblems at work.
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ID#: 79
From: The real Danny Bowman
Nanoproblem: identity theft
Nanosolutions:
  1. Deal with it.
  2. With great power, immense physical strength, superb intelligence, and ever-increasing fame comes less-than-flattering imitation.
  3. Design a better website.
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ID#: 78
From: Owen
Nanoproblem: I can't get myself out of bed before 1pm.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Buy a flying alarm clock.
  2. Go to sleep earlier.
  3. Have a child. We hear they cut into sleep time.
  4. Employ someone to release scorpions under your sheets at a set time each morning.
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ID#: 77
From: Danny Bowman
Nanoproblem: I hate women.
Nanosolutions:
  1. No I don't. I mean, no you don't.
  2. Even if Mr. Bowman did, he would understand that this is not a nanoproblem.
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ID#: 76
From: Ken
Nanoproblem: Big Tex Andy keeps submitting strange problems that make me uncomfortable. You keep threatening him, but you never actually do anything about it.
Nanosolutions:
  1. We would like to, but our users have spoken. And we are all about providing the best user experience imaginable.
  2. Hopefully as he submits problems and we provide solutions, his problems will get less strange. We recognize that this is highly unlikely.
  3. Deal with it.
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ID#: 75
From: Double C
Nanoproblem: At night I get tangled in my sheets, but I don't want to tuck them under the sides of the bed.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Try different sheet materials - cotton sheets tangle less than, say, hypothetically, sexy black sateen sheets.
  2. Free yourself of the top sheet - you don't really need it.
  3. Use a sleeping bag.
  4. Sleep on the floor.
  5. Employ someone (or a couple of people) to stand next to you all night and make sure the sheets do not get tangled.
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ID#: 74
From: Lena
Nanoproblem: I never received my nanosolution to my previous question, and yet it appeared in the Nanosolution Archive. I'm beginning to suspect MMB Nanosolutions cares more about broadcasting its nanoproblems/solutions than actually serving the needs of its nanoproblem-ridden customers.
Nanosolutions:
  1. We apologize. We did not have our current email input form, so we only had a subset of email addresses. We also had not clarified our policy by which you can get alerted that your nanosolution is in the archive. These things have been addressed, so
  2. Deal with it.
  3. We post all nanosolutions in an archive for everyone to see so that anyone can benefit from others' nanoproblems and solutions.
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ID#: 73
From: carla
Nanoproblem: The tag of my sweater keeps sticking out and tickling the back of my neck.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Cut off the tag (but don't throw it away in case you need that information later - we recommend keeping a ziploc bag with the tags).
  2. Deal with it.
  3. De-sensitize the back of your neck with painkillers.
  4. De-sensitize the back of your neck with pain.
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ID#: 72
From: Allison
Nanoproblem: Last night all of my friends were talking about nanosolutions and I felt left out.
Nanosolutions:
  1. You have come to the right place to address this nanoproblem.
  2. You can find nanosolutions anywhere the internet is.
  3. Deal with it.
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ID#: 71
From: Owen
Nanoproblem: I keep losing hats.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Don't take them off your head. Ever.
  2. Buy a bulk order of cheap replaceable hats so the pain of each loss is minimized.
  3. Hats are subject to natural selection, just like us, so buy more competitive hats.
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ID#: 70
From: Colin Bagel
Nanoproblem: bagels are too expensive, but i really love a bagel
Nanosolutions:
  1. Form a sweet website where you solve people's small problems, monetize it, and then use your fortune to buy all the bagels you want. Wait..
  2. Buy about half a dozen bagels from a decent place, plus some cream cheese, and then make them yourself. Economical, fresh, customizable, and eventually stale.
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ID#: 69
From: Metapingu
Nanoproblem: GF is a psycho bitch
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is really beyond our scope - please see our affiliate, MMB RelationshipCounseling, but until then
  2. Deal with it
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ID#: 68
From: RC
Nanoproblem: The one day off I had this week I did nothing but play xbox, watch seinfeld, and drink beer.
Nanosolutions:
  1. ERROR: No nanoproblem detected.
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ID#: 67
From: Snowball
Nanoproblem: Come springtime, I will melt.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Very cute, Snowball, but
  2. Deal with it.
  3. You could live in a freezer. However, that would be dark and, depending on the freezer, you might be crushed by a bottle of vodka or an old steak.
  4. It's the most natural thing in the world.
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ID#: 66
From: BigTexa...I mean Will Masket
Nanoproblem: I resent Orly's use of hebrew script in her post as my keyboard has proved far less talented. Also, I have the Whooping Cough
Nanosolutions:
  1. We at MMB NanoSolutions resent your spelling of "Orlee."
  2. Your pathetic attempts to escape our auto-trash filter have been foiled by our complex algorithms, BigTex. However, ScottMD has saved you temporarily.
  3. This is not a nanoproblem. Your keyboard is just post-zionist.
  4. You don't have Whooping Cough.
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ID#: 65
From: ScottMD
Nanoproblem: The banning of BigTexAndy will ruin an enormous amount of potential entertainment that I count on to keep me sane.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Fiiiiiiiine.
  2. We'll deal with it.
  3. He is now back to 3 nanoproblems away from being auto-filtered to the trash bin.
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ID#: 64
From: kathryn
Nanoproblem: i found out elliot's fish died through this website. as his friend, i wish he had told me. how do i confront my friend in this time of mourning?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Submitting a nanoproblem through our site was one of the best nanosolutions you could have come up with. We consider this issue closed.
  2. Also this is a sensitive topic. Please consult our affiliate, MMB FriendshipCounseling.
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ID#: 63
From: The Polish King
Nanoproblem: I can't determine the ethnicity of Hideki Matsui's wife -- http://www.nypost.com/seven/03292008/photos/news007b.jpg Is she asian? There is some slight ambiguity in the right eye / eyebrow complex. Significantly less slanty (no offense).
Nanosolutions:
  1. According to the NY Daily News, "she is 25 and from Japan, where she formerly worked 'in a reputable position at a highly respected company'."
  2. Also according to the NY Daily News, Matsui is "known back home for his large collection of porn films." This doesn't really help you in solving your nanoproblem, but it's about as relevant here as it was in that article.
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ID#: 62
From: MICHAEL FREDERICKSON
Nanoproblem: I have a very great story to tell you and we need to schedule a time to do that. Note that I am in the Pacific Time Zone.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Clarification: A story for the entire MMB Team?
  2. Telephone?
  3. The Internet?
  4. We'll put you in contact with our Director of West Coast Operations to coordinate the narrative transmission
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ID#: 61
From: Ashley
Nanoproblem: I'm bored.
Nanosolutions:
  1. So are we - worst nanoproblem ever!
  2. You've already found the perfect website to address boredom.
  3. Deal with it.
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ID#: 60
From: Bethany
Nanoproblem: I had my coffee:milk:sugar ratio at the perfect level, but the waiter refilled my mug to the top with more coffee. What do I do?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Sip the coffee until you have enough room in the cup to restore the milk and sugar ratios.
  2. Deal with it.
  3. Call your waiter over and empty the defiled coffee right in his face. [Disclaimer: MMB Nanosolutions not responsible for damages resulting from our solutions]
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ID#: 59
From: Laloca
Nanoproblem: Unable to submit complete submission because of quick trigger fingers
Nanosolutions:
  1. Slow your roll.
  2. We'll work on a feature similar to Gmail's "Mail Goggles" for trigger-happy nano-users.
  3. The functionality of the site is bafflingly simple, so
  4. Deal with it.
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ID#: 58
From: LaLoca
Nanoproblem: Nose blow horn
Nanosolutions:
  1. Ok
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ID#: 57
From: cg
Nanoproblem: I can't tell if this guy I like likes women or men?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Squeeze his butt. See what happens.
  2. If he explodes, then you squeezed too hard.
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ID#: 56
From: BigTAndrewex
Nanoproblem: I have terrible guilt. To make sure my testicles are super clean, I like to wash them in the dishwasher. But I only do it when the dishwasher is full. And each time it costs me the airfare to visit Danny.
Nanosolutions:
  1. You are zero nanoproblems away from being auto-filtered to the trash bin.
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ID#: 55
From: AndyTexBig
Nanoproblem: I like to sleep upside down like a giant bat, but then the dog thinks I am some kind of floating fire hydrant. Why do they call it a fire hydrant anyway? Clearly it contains water, not fire. Although that could be both hilarious and unbelievably tragic.
Nanosolutions:
  1. You are one nanoproblem away from being auto-filtered to the trash bin.
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ID#: 54
From: hOva אורלי
Nanoproblem: Mr. Sreym is always taking shits in my room. How to get him to stop?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Rig the toilet such that when Mr. Sreym sits down he will be catapulted into the wall behind.
  2. Get even - shit in his room.
  3. Your room is a bathroom, so
  4. Deal with it.
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ID#: 53
From: BigTexAndy
Nanoproblem: identity theft
Nanosolutions:
  1. Your identity wasn't stolen. You just submit very strange nanoproblems.
  2. If you've stolen an identity, and don't know what to do with it, try eBay.
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ID#: 52
From: LP
Nanoproblem: I'm dealing with a lot of survivor's guilt after being personally responsible for the downfall of our economy yet somehow I've managed to keep my job.
Nanosolutions:
  1. It would be immoral for MMB to solve your problem, as the scope of the damage you have personally created well outstrips the pain you feel.
  2. Even if it weren't morally reprehensible, it would be professionally irresponsible of MMB to comment on this nanoproblem because of MMB's investment policy of short-selling everything you touch.
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ID#: 51
From: kathryn
Nanoproblem: i made some bad soup last night and do not want to save and eat it.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Compost.
  2. If the soup is edible, feed it to a homeless person.
  3. Add chocolate chips. They make everything better. Everything.
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ID#: 50
From: James
Nanoproblem: In a previously submitted nanoproblem (ID #14), I purposefully masked the identity of a friend with a tiny penis, but MMB Nanosolutions exposed my ruse for all to see. This undoubtedly caused my nano-phallused friend much anguish.
Nanosolutions:
  1. That's what she said.
  2. Damnit no it's not.
  3. That doesn't even make sense.
  4. He'll deal with it.
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ID#: 49
From: cg
Nanoproblem: The yoga class I wanted was full, so now I have to take this other yoga class that meets at 4 in the afternoon and I'm really not happy about it, but I want to do some kind of yoga. Also I make bad *decisions* about men?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Your yoga scheduling problem might be too small to qualify as a nanoproblem. Please refer to MMB PicoSolutions, MMB FemtoSolutions, MMB AttoSolutions, or any of our other affiliates that handle problems at the sub-nano level.
  2. We've already responded to your second question, see below.
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ID#: 48
From: Ken
Nanoproblem: It took me a really long time to figure out how to see the answer to my first nanoproblem. I've found it now, but I am still kind of upset.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Control+F search for your name. (Apple+F on a Mac).
  2. We appreciate your business, especially as you were one of the earliest users. We ask that you bear with us as we scale our infrastructure to handle the solving and delivery of nanoproblems and nanosolutions.
  3. Deal with it.
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ID#: 47
From: daralr
Nanoproblem: I'm cold
Nanosolutions:
  1. Please refer to "Anne" below.
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ID#: 46
From: Elliot
Nanoproblem: My fish died
Nanosolutions:
  1. It's the most natural thing in the world.
  2. Fish are tremendously replaceable.
  3. Eat some ice cream.
  4. Deal with it.
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ID#: 45
From: The Lion's Den
Nanoproblem: No one lives in me anymore.
Nanosolutions:
  1. You'll always have Super Danny and Izzy.
  2. Your neighborhood is gentrifying, we're sure you'll have many tenants in the future (probably more well-off than the last).
  3. Deal with it.
  4. Stop being such a craphole of an apartment.
  5. Get a pet.
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ID#: 44
From: Becca
Nanoproblem: my co-workers are mean to me
Nanosolutions:
  1. Bring it up with HR.
  2. Bring it up with our affiliate, MMB NanoMafia, which can "solve" all of your coworker "problems."
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ID#: 43
From: Rihana
Nanoproblem: when it rains, everyone tries to crowd under my umbrella
Nanosolutions:
  1. Stop making oaths all over town that you'll stick it out to the end.
  2. Stop carrying an umbrella. Consider a waterproof jacket with hood.
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ID#: 42
From: Pantsman
Nanoproblem: Sometimes my ass sweats at night
Nanosolutions:
  1. Sleep on your stomach, pantslessly.
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ID#: 41
From: Jenn
Nanoproblem: i cant get ice ice baby out of my head / i dont know if i want it out.
Nanosolutions:
  1. You don't want it out.
  2. It seems that your problem is that you do not understand your own desires, which is not a nanoproblem. We recommend our affiliate, MMB PsychServices, for this normal problem.
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ID#: 40
From: Big Tex Andy
Nanoproblem: I fought the law, but the law won
Nanosolutions:
  1. This happened because you left your baby and it feels so bad. We recommend you get back with your baby. baby.
  2. After all, she's the best girl that you ever had.
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ID#: 39
From: Jeff Wood
Nanoproblem: How to clean up mess?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Depends on the mess. If it is spilled wine, we recommend using a wet paper towel. If it is a bloodbath, we recommend you contact "The Wolf" from Pulp Fiction
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ID#: 38
From: Josh Finn
Nanoproblem: I have just chopped jalapenos. Now I have something in my eye. If i touch my eye, it will burn. What to do?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Be calm and grab a Q-tip if you have one and attempt to push object from eye with said device. Do not underestimate the importance of remaining calm, because if you poke your eye out, MMB NanoSolutions can no longer help you.
  2. Blink rapidly to use your eye's natural removal mechanisms, while avoiding eye contact with anyone who might mistakenly think you are invitingly winking at them.
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ID#: 37
From: DaisiesGrow
Nanoproblem: The description box on your nanosolutions website is too small.
Nanosolutions:
  1. We at MMB NanoSolutions spent countless minutes tweaking the size of that box, employing outside consultants and the use of electron microscopes to engineer the perfect size description box to solicit the proper types of nanoproblems. We estimated that 10% of the population would be unhappy with the size of the box, most of which would think it is too small. You, DaisiesGrow are part of that special 10% of whiners, so
  2. Deal with it.
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ID#: 36
From: John
Nanoproblem: I don't have a job.
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is definitely not a nanoproblem. This is a macroeconomic problem.
  2. In the current economic climate, you're not alone. The economy lost 3 million jobs in 2008 and unemployment is at 7%. We at MMB Nanosolutions believe that things will be rough for a while, but our NanoFinance analysts predict a recovery within the next year. In the meantime, be frugal and work on your marketable skills during the downtime.
  3. Deal with it
  4. If "Deal with it" is not enough, then turn to alcohol.
  5. If alcohol isn't strong enough, turn to hard drugs.
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ID#: 35
From: Brett
Nanoproblem: I'm sick.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Check webMD and become convinced that you have something much more serious than you do. Then when you get better tomorrow, it will seem like a miraculous recovery and will make your day.
  2. Deal with it.
  3. Get lots of vitamin C.
  4. And maybe some zinc. And hot tea. And soup.
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ID#: 34
From: Lena Buell
Nanoproblem: My gum lost its flavor.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Open a new pack.
  2. Deal with it.
  3. Swallow it. Nothing will happen.
  4. Soak it in your favorite beverage to re-inject flavor.
  5. Stick it on the bottom of your co-worker's desk and then ponder grade school nostalgically.
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ID#: 33
From: michelle o
Nanoproblem: my elvis snowglobe's water is evaporating, thus exposing his eyes to a non-aqueous environment. what should i do?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Nothing. The King is dead already.
  2. Refill the snowglobe - there's usually an opening on the bottom for just such a situation.
  3. Deal with it.
  4. Form a nano-atmosphere within the snowglobe so the evaporating water is rained back down within the globe onto Elvis.
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ID#: 32
From: Addie
Nanoproblem: After nano-consideration of my nano-problems I pose this one to you for nano-solution. Please help! I have an excess of pennies which vending machines do not accept. What should I do with them? Bear in mind that paying for groceries with pennies may hold up the line. I do greatly appreciate your help in this nano-matter.
Nanosolutions:
  1. One of the most gratifying nanotasks is rolling coins. Get penny rolls and trade them in for dollars at the bank.
  2. Throw them in a fountain for a million wishes.
  3. Trade them to coin collectors.
  4. Deal with it.
  5. Stockpile
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ID#: 31
From: BigTexAndy
Nanoproblem: One time I was masturbating and it fell off.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Please stop submitting your nanoproblems. They make us uncomfortable.
  2. We'll assume "it" means a book next to your bed, which fell off your nightstand when you bumped into it during your activity. See previous solutions posted below.
  3. It's the most natural thing in the world.
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ID#: 30
From: Ken
Nanoproblem: Sometimes my book falls between my bed and my nightstand. What do you think I should do?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Increase the distance between those objects for easy extraction
  2. Read heavier books that don't move as easily
  3. Rubber books
  4. Throw away your nightstand
  5. Throw away your bed.
  6. If all else fails, get an anti-gravity machine.
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ID#: 29
From: Tasha
Nanoproblem: My face hurts
Nanosolutions:
  1. Try stubbing your toe to distract yourself from the facepain.
  2. Deal with it.
  3. Advil
  4. Morphine
  5. Double-shots
  6. Advil-Morphine Double-shots
  7. It's only fair, as it's definitely hurting us.
  8. We're sorry, that was mean. Can we have one of those Advil-Morphine Double-shots?
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ID#: 28
From: Marissa CM
Nanoproblem: My dad is in love with Aaron Myers.
Nanosolutions:
  1. ERROR: This is not a problem.
  2. If this is a problem, we don't want to know the solution! baby.
  3. It's the most natural thing in the world
  4. Think about all the free tech support he would get if the love led anywhere.
  5. Deal with it.
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ID#: 27
From: Big Tex
Nanoproblem: my penis hurts, when I squeeze it a lot
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is the definition of a nanoproblem.
  2. Remove your penis if it is causing you pain.
  3. ERROR: Nanoproblem submitted by a nanoproblem.
  4. Deal with it. Gently.
  5. Less squeezing, more gentle stroking.
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ID#: 26
From: Anne
Nanoproblem: when i write with ballpoint pen on notebook paper it curls up
Nanosolutions:
  1. Try using different writing implements, like felt tip pens, pencils, magic markers, crayons, a stylus, quill & ink, spraypaint, blood, squid ink, or highlighters.
  2. Try using different types of paper, like... legal pads? construction paper? greeting cards?
  3. Deal with it
  4. Use the curled up paper to create sleekly engineered paper airplanes to mail your notes across the classroom.
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ID#: 25
From: Anne
Nanoproblem: my office is cold
Nanosolutions:
  1. Turn up the heat, baby.
  2. Send in the MMB NanoTeam to heat things up. baby.
  3. Wear a jacket
  4. Lower your core temperature so the difference isn't as noticeable.
  5. Deal with it.
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ID#: 24
From: Joe Posner
Nanoproblem: I used the word "temporary" instead of "interim."
Nanosolutions:
  1. Acknowledging this issue is a nanosolution in and of itself.
  2. Deal with it.
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ID#: 23
From: Joe Posner
Nanoproblem: embarassment based on nanoproblem temporary solution
Nanosolutions:
  1. Deal with it
  2. Drinking
  3. Rational emotive therapy
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ID#: 22
From: Joe Posner
Nanoproblem: understanding this site
Nanosolutions:
  1. By submitting this nanoproblem, you clearly understand the entire functionality of the site already.
  2. Deal with it.
  3. Re-read the homepage carefully.
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ID#: 21
From: MICHAEL FREDERICKSON
Nanoproblem: I have a really dumb friend
Nanosolutions:
  1. ERROR: Nanoproblem submitted by a nanoproblem.
  2. See solutions for "Scott" below
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ID#: 20
From: dan
Nanoproblem: lost my keys
Nanosolutions:
  1. Find them
  2. If solution 1 fails, please refer to our affiliate MMB PainInTheAss for help with sorting this out.
  3. Switch to keypad entry systems
  4. Deal with it. Outside.
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ID#: 19
From: Tasha
Nanoproblem: I ate Sushi for lunch and now my hands smell like soy sauce.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Wash your hands
  2. Deal with it.
  3. Rub an onion.
  4. Use chopsticks when consuming sushi to avoid physical contact with the sauce.
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ID#: 18
From: Scott
Nanoproblem: My friends are ridiculously crazy
Nanosolutions:
  1. Deal with it.
  2. This is not a problem.
  3. Why don't you get some new friends. Jerk.
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ID#: 17
From: willtank
Nanoproblem: people continue to hit submit without actually filling in a field
Nanosolutions:
  1. I should really add something that checks if both fields are blank and shows an error and doesn't send us an email if they are.
  2. Deal with it.
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ID#: 16
From: I forgot to buy AppleCare
Nanoproblem: Gabe
Nanosolutions:
  1. This submission raises all sorts of nanoproblems.
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ID#: 15
From: dan
Nanoproblem: I love my job, but I have a problem with this asshole coworker who sits next to me all day, complaining and making me watch lame fail blog videos. Let's call him "noraa t. sreym". Anyway, if I have to sit through one more day of this, I might end up in jail. HELP
Nanosolutions:
  1. Deal with it
  2. Defecate on his chair when he gets up to go to the bathroom.
  3. Change his browser homepage to meatspin
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ID#: 14
From: James
Nanoproblem: Daniel Bowma's penis is a particularly tiny fucking problem.
Nanosolutions:
  1. That's what she said.
  2. Wait, that's not what she said.
  3. Your spelling of 'Bowman' is a particularly large problem.
  4. Let's wedge it
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ID#: 13
From: James
Nanoproblem: Refs keep calling travel on my crab dribbles
Nanosolutions:
  1. WTF
  2. Deal with it.
  3. Post up in the pocket for an endzone chip shot to deep centerfield.
  4. Stab a ref publicly after such a call to send a message to the others.
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ID#: 12
From: Joe
Nanoproblem: sobriety?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Please rephrase your submission in the form of a clear problem. We are not sure if you view sobriety as a problem or a potential solution.
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ID#: 11
From: Peter Wolfgang
Nanoproblem: Lentil or tomato soup for lunch today?
Nanosolutions:
  1. Please phrase this in the following form: "I have trouble deciding whether to have lentil or tomato soup for lunch"
  2. Take a small piece of paper and tear it in half, writing "lentil" on one and "tomato" on the other, ball them up, and put them in a container. At lunchtime pick a piece of paper and if you are immediately satisfied, get that, and if you feel slight disappointment, go with the other soup.
  3. Deal with it
  4. Ask a co-worker for an opinion and take it at face value. Then ask another co-worker for their opinion and evaluate it against the previous co-worker's opinion based on who you like more.
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ID#: 10
From: Michelle
Nanoproblem: A nanosuggestion: You need a 'back' link on your Thank You page for people who would like to send mutiple submissions.
Nanosolutions:
  1. That's enough out of you, Michelle.
  2. Use the "back" button on your browser.
  3. Deal with it.
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ID#: 9
From: Danny
Nanoproblem: I spend all my time thinking about a fake company.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Seek professional help
  2. Make your fake company a real company.
  3. Deal with it.
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ID#: 8
From: Will
Nanoproblem: MMBnano is spamming me
Nanosolutions:
  1. Set up an auto-archive filter in Gmail.
  2. Deal with it.
  3. Resign.
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ID#: 7
From: Michelle
Nanoproblem: Alas, I spoke too soon, for I do indeed have a nanoproblem on my hands, and I feel that you are the only team of specialists to help me. You see, everytime I read the name of your company, I get the Hanson song "MMMBop" stuck in my head, along with a mashup of every "nanana" solo singing part in pop music history. Any help in squashing this annoying brain synapse would be much appreciated. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfAsibkCmZw
Nanosolutions:
  1. Focus on the "solution" part of the name and think of this song instead: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8qGZ6vSWvI
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ID#: 6
From: Michelle
Nanoproblem: This is to alert the partners in MMB Nanosolutions that I will being using this form field to submit only links to youtube videos I think you should watch. Over and out.
Nanosolutions:
  1. Ok.
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ID#: 5
From: Al Mucky
Nanoproblem: I'm not sure how to get my head out of this jar of pickles
Nanosolutions:
  1. Let's wedge it.
  2. Pretend you're playing a game of Stump on your face.
  3. Use warm water and lube.
  4. This is not a problem at all if you start conceptualizing the jar as a helmet with a built-in food supply.
  5. Also consider our affiliate MMB NanoExtraction for just these kinds of dicey situations.
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ID#: 4
From: cg
Nanoproblem: I have bad luck with men
Nanosolutions:
  1. This problem is too large to qualify as a nanoproblem.
  2. Luck is luck - there is nothing we can do about it.
  3. Please consider using our other affiliate MMB NanoDating.
  4. Try women.
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ID#: 3
From: Jenise Morgan
Nanoproblem: I am in a feud with DHL. HELP.
Nanosolutions:
  1. In the future, do not use DHL. DHL is the dumb cousin of UPS and FedEx.
  2. Please see our affiliate MMB NanoFeuds for more specific advice on handling feuds (as long as they are sufficiently minor).
  3. Please consider using our other affiliate MMB NanoShipping (as long as you're shipping a package that is less than 0.05 lbs)
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ID#: 2
From: Andrew Tobolowsky
Nanoproblem: I spilled coke on my desk and invented an awesome glue.
Nanosolutions:
  1. This is not any sort of problem at all. Congratulations from the MMB team.
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ID#: 1
From: Tasha
Nanoproblem: sometimes my shoe becomes untied, what do I do? You should also consider that I don't like the sound of velcro
Nanosolutions:
  1. Double-Knot
  2. Glue
  3. The Slidingly Engaging Fastener
  4. Micro-Velcro
  5. Clogs
  6. Slip-On Alternatives (such as these)
  7. Wearing shoes deliberately untied, but with laces still in (as reported by Aaron: "This provided sufficient tightness of the shoe, without being a bother to keep tied. In my experience, tripping was not an issue, though these particular shoes had rather short laces.")
  8. Deal with it
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